As I lay here for just a few minutes, I will focus on you, Father. Your perfect love casts out all fear. Thank you for life. Thank you for this journey you have me on. For I know now more than ever, You truly are with me. You have never forsaken me. You have always made your presence known to me. Although I cannot see you, I feel you, I smell your sweet fragrance. You are good to all. You are my king and LORD! Truly, you have revealed your love to me. No longer will I seek your hand, but your face...oh Your Beautiful Face! Daddy, thank you for always meeting me in this place. Thank you for your unfailing love that washes over me like sweet, sweet rain. I am so in love with you.
Right now, I am in pain, and I am very, very sick to my stomach. These dry heaves have lasted 3 days now. I don't know how much longer I can endure this in my own strength. So, I am going to rest here in your arms. This may be your divine delay. I don't know. What may I do for you today? My heart, ears and eyes are open...
Friday, November 13
Saturday, November 7
Teach me to pray...
Lord, you are always faithful. You love us unconditionally. We deserve nothing due to our iniquities, yet you gave your ONLY son up for us. He went through excruciating pain as He traveled down that long road and hung on that awful cross. Jesus made the cross a permanent wonderful reminder for all who love you that NOTHING is greater than your love for us.
I don't understand chronic pain. I don't understand how I can pray for those who experience this. My pain is temporary and I know that. Yet during this journey, I have experienced a gambit of emotions and spiritual warfare. Yet, Abba, Father, you have never ever left me. You have made sure that I have never ever felt alone or isolated. You have used so many people to be your hands and heart on earth so that I won't get stuck in the pit.
It is difficult for me to articulate the physical pain part of this journey. I have passed kidney stones, endured bursting cysts in my ovaries EVERY month, walked through recovery from 2 cesareans, two laproscopies and one lithotripsy. Oh, and my right hand sustained 2nd degree, partial thickness burns. (This one really hurt...especially as they cleaned it daily and then taught me how to use my hand again.) The pain I have endured since the diagnosis has been unbelievable. Oh how I just HATE this little thing called cancer. Oh, please Daddy, help us find more ways to prevent this from happening to your children. (Just look at little Rachael. She has a baby and two girls to tend to. Please stop the enemy. Give her the strength, courage and hope to fight this thing quickly so she can be the wonderful mom she is. Shield her from the excruciating pain and sickness. Draw her husband and her closer into you.)
Emotionally, I have hurt much worse. When Tim came to Monte's that horrible dark day. He took Zachary from me. NOTHING has hurt more than the pain of losing Zachary. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! (For those who do not know, I was married to a man who was abusive to me, not Zachary. Zachary was his and Shannon's son. Yet, for 2 short years, I was able to be a Mommy to him.) I'll never forget sobbing in Monte's arms as she held me tightly. Jesus, you used Monte, Kay, Christy and so many others to bring healing to that part of me. Thank you, I know only 5 years ago, I may not have been capable of writing this paragraph. You knew that I would have everything I needed to fight this emotionally. During the times that I lack faith, hope, or courage, you have brought my family and friends to get me through those moments.
Today, you have laid Alison, Barbara, Patti, and Leah on my heart. They have been in a dark physically painful place for so long. I have no comprehension of pain that lasts years and years and years. As I pray for Raymond and Rosie, 'suddenly' keeps showing up. That seems fair enough. Yet as I bring my other sisters up, I don't have anything but heartache...I pray for hope and strength in you. I read your love letter back to you and your promises of 'strengthening them as they wait upon you, by your stripes they are healed' and many more. As I petition you Lord, will you show me specifically how to pray more effectively for them? Until then, I will continue to listen more than speak and cherish our time together.
I don't understand chronic pain. I don't understand how I can pray for those who experience this. My pain is temporary and I know that. Yet during this journey, I have experienced a gambit of emotions and spiritual warfare. Yet, Abba, Father, you have never ever left me. You have made sure that I have never ever felt alone or isolated. You have used so many people to be your hands and heart on earth so that I won't get stuck in the pit.
It is difficult for me to articulate the physical pain part of this journey. I have passed kidney stones, endured bursting cysts in my ovaries EVERY month, walked through recovery from 2 cesareans, two laproscopies and one lithotripsy. Oh, and my right hand sustained 2nd degree, partial thickness burns. (This one really hurt...especially as they cleaned it daily and then taught me how to use my hand again.) The pain I have endured since the diagnosis has been unbelievable. Oh how I just HATE this little thing called cancer. Oh, please Daddy, help us find more ways to prevent this from happening to your children. (Just look at little Rachael. She has a baby and two girls to tend to. Please stop the enemy. Give her the strength, courage and hope to fight this thing quickly so she can be the wonderful mom she is. Shield her from the excruciating pain and sickness. Draw her husband and her closer into you.)
Emotionally, I have hurt much worse. When Tim came to Monte's that horrible dark day. He took Zachary from me. NOTHING has hurt more than the pain of losing Zachary. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! (For those who do not know, I was married to a man who was abusive to me, not Zachary. Zachary was his and Shannon's son. Yet, for 2 short years, I was able to be a Mommy to him.) I'll never forget sobbing in Monte's arms as she held me tightly. Jesus, you used Monte, Kay, Christy and so many others to bring healing to that part of me. Thank you, I know only 5 years ago, I may not have been capable of writing this paragraph. You knew that I would have everything I needed to fight this emotionally. During the times that I lack faith, hope, or courage, you have brought my family and friends to get me through those moments.
Today, you have laid Alison, Barbara, Patti, and Leah on my heart. They have been in a dark physically painful place for so long. I have no comprehension of pain that lasts years and years and years. As I pray for Raymond and Rosie, 'suddenly' keeps showing up. That seems fair enough. Yet as I bring my other sisters up, I don't have anything but heartache...I pray for hope and strength in you. I read your love letter back to you and your promises of 'strengthening them as they wait upon you, by your stripes they are healed' and many more. As I petition you Lord, will you show me specifically how to pray more effectively for them? Until then, I will continue to listen more than speak and cherish our time together.
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