411 I really didn't need to know...

Stage 2B...that's not that bad of a staging for the diagnosis of breast cancer I received. Yeah, they cut out a 4X5x6 tumor out...

"It's treatable and curable" Dr. Fain explained confidently to me. My parents backed him up, so it was a done deal.

All I had to do was walk through chemotherapy, a bilateral mastectomy, radiation, hysterectomy, and reconstruction. Yes, I would walk through the valley of the shadow of death. No biggie, My Jesus would be there with me! That is what they do to patients like me. They kill the cancer, but in the process they kill the good cells to. The truth is, they are killing me softly with everything in their arsenal.

I have always chosen NOT to look things up on the Internet. I knew that if I did, fear would set in and I would not be able to keep my eyes where they need to be...JESUS. Peter started sinking in the water when he was walking out on the water to Jesus on the lake that night. As soon as he fixed his eyes on Jesus, he was able to walk on water. Right now, I need to walk on water!

Then there was Sunday. I couldn't go anywhere, because I was sick, but I wasn't tired. I called my phone-a-friend, Michelle. She looks everything up. She was diagnosed with stage 4 two years ago. She was a mom to me when I was growing up. I love her dearly, BUT she loves to research things AND she is very opinionated. She told me all about the Herceptin web sight and how I should contact them, because they will send me a goodie package. They also had a very informative video. "It's all good information, no scary stuff. You can't live in fear. You have to know these things. It's all good," she assured me.

GOOD MY BUTT! I meandered to the web site once we hung up the phone. 25% of breast cancer patients have the Her2 positive protein. I always thought, I have the good kind of cancer that you can beat. I am part of the 25%, so I am even better off than others. Uh...How about NO on that one!

If you have the Her2 positive protein, as I do, it is an AGGRESSIVE METASTASIZING BAD DUDE! Holy fast dividing cancer cells, Batman...This is bad! REALLY BAD! So, I talked to Michelle again. She oh so matter of factly responds, "oh yeah, mine is bad, but so is yours, we are probably like on the same level of badness on the cancer thing."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?! THANK GOD I'm already taking herceptin! Had I found this out while I was going through the AC for 8 weeks, I would have totally lost it. Seriously, straight jacket, padded walls and Alicia rocking back in forth in fetal position losing it! BUT, God knows me. He has perfect timing! He allowed me to find out about it while I'm going through my last two treatments (although, I'll continue to take herceptin for another 12 months).

Herceptin has just been approved within the last 5 years. It binds to the HER2 proteins on the inside and outside of the cells to completely obliterate the bad guys. PHEEEEWWWW ... Take a deep breath, remember who your Father in Heaven is and RELAX.

I only have the most pro-active parents in the world. Mom said her and Dad did know this whole time and are watching every angle of my treatment. Thank God, because I honestly can't. I am a 36 year old woman who has to call her Daddy in the middle of the night to make sure when I take my drugs, I won't pull a Heath Ledger by mixing them up. I keep a daily spreadsheet of my medications and supplements and take monitoring notes at the bottom. (Thank you, Sherri Rector!)

The good news is I have an incredible amount of people taking care of me. My heart is full. These crazy people are calling me, writing me, sending me cards, chatting through Facebook, making our family meals, raising money for us...We would NOT make it without the Grace of God! I have never seen such an outpouring from my family and friends. I have always known I'm surrounded by good peeps, but now I KNOW and I don't take anything for granted. Right now, I am just glad to be able to end this blog, go upstairs and cuddle with my Hannah Beth the big Kindergartner! What a sweet way to live!

1st Day of Kinder!

She found a seat! Here is the wonderful and beautiful (inside and out) Ms. Gonzales helping Hannah Beth with her name tag.

CRAZY school parking lot shot... Tons of parents were there with their Kindergartners acting like it was a special day or something! They were all taking pictures right and left! They were acting like they were trusting the people in this school with their most prized gifts from God. YEP! US TOO!

She was so good about taking pictures at the house! We just love her five whole dollars!

"Mommy, Coach Gavit wore a PINK shirt!" giggled Hannah Beth as she climbed into the car. "It was hilarious!"

"I ate chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes and water!" she spilled out just as excitedly as she had announced Coach Gavit's attire.

Ray and I pummelled questions at her all at once. She answered most of them with precision.

1. Yes, I made friends.
2. I went down your giant hippo slide Mommy!
3. I have a hippo tail and I use it.
4. I rested, I didn't sleep. I'm just too big now.
5. I saw your friends.
6. There was one boy that wouldn't leave me alone, but I said, stop it, please.

That's about all I can remember now. I did find out a secret about Ms. Gonzales that I never knew until today. She has magical powers!

Hannah Beth fell asleep by 7:00 on her daddy's lap! THANK YOU, MS. GONZALES!

Editor's Note:

Oh Hooray! Hannah Beth is finally a Hutto Hippo! What a great day to erase Hannah Beth's first experiences.

Meet the Teacher Night was NOT a success for Hannah Beth. She walked across the hall to get a drink of water. When she walked back, she walked back to a man with a stroller who was NOT her father. It scared her. So, the rest of the night was a bust.

BUT NOT TODAY! OH HOW SHE'S LOVES HER SOME MS. GONZALES! She walked into her new classroom, picked her name tag up and looked at her teacher in the eyes! She was not scared to talk with her this time! Ms. Gonzales helped Hannah Beth with her name tag and she searched for a seat. These kids are so stinking adorable! Seriously! She sat across a little girl who was wearing a long black and white scarf around her neck. CUTIE PATOOTIE!

I don't know if it's okay to use other children's names, so, I'm leaving those out. All I can say is the children at her table were so cute I could have taken them all home! ADORABLE! She couldn't wait to give Ms. Gonzales her presents! (Dry Erase Markers and Play-Doh...I don't want anybody trying to think I am trying to brown nose the teacher!)

Thank you, Jesus for always having a perfect plan for our little family. No tears fell from my eyes today. I knew Hannah Beth was still with family up at Hutto Elementary... OH POO! Now tears are falling from my eyes. Each and every person there is so near and dear to me. If any of y'all are reading this, please know that I so heart you with everything that is in me. Y'all are such incredible people...you just don't even know!

New Dryer Explained

Riddle me this, Batman: What do you do when your dryer gets hot, spins, but takes over 2 hours to dry your clothes?

Check your outside vent, OF COURSE!

V>Oh! Looky there, Robin! It's YOUR nest all up in MY dryer vent! LOVELY!

...And this is why I just love my girlfriend, Rachel and her family! Just minutes after her husband installed a new battery in the truck...(Yes, he did just replace the car battery last month..when it rains!)

Meet Fabian...he is a great guy! The only problem with him is that he's always lookin for an excuse to fish...SERIOUSLY! PROOF:


Mr. Fabian, our hero, works hard while Sancho and Ray observe in disbelief!

Okay...so we were pretty sure these weren't going to hatch.

This is what Fabian sucked out of our vent. Thanks a lot, ROBIN! Have I mentioned that I really have a strong disdain towards birds. They are evil!

Hello and good-bye to more hard earned money! Our dryer refused to even start the next day. RIP dryer. Thank you, Home Depot for sales and no interest for 12 months. Sorry to disappoint you, Dave Ramsey!

MATRIX

Okay, so I totally underestimated this mastectomy thing. We've (No, I'm not Cybil, I'm talking about all you wonderful praying saints, friends, family, doctors, and I.) made it this far:

1. 2 surgeries
2. 4 rounds of Adriomiocin (AKA RED DEVIL) and Cytoxin - Once every two weeks
3. Countless tests, of which some required contortionist skills
4. Millions of RX pills and nutritional supplements, including some gnarly whey protein shakes and glucosamine powder.
5. 9 rounds of Taxol and Herceptin (I want to remind my fellow reader what Wise Man #2 said to me about Taxol. I asked Dr. Fain, "How long do I take the Taxol." He responded, "as long as your body can endure it.") ONLY 3 LEFT...last one is September 1st!
6. 2 emergency room visits...which weren't bad with Lucy and Ethell (Mom and Ray) and my girlfriend, Rosie! A bonus to it was Dad was working the night I went to the Georgetown ER.
7. One short staycation at Seton Williamson Hospital. Spiffy place, I must say!
8. Countless hours face planting the floor asking Jesus to empty me out and pour Himself in.

So, I've lost all my hair, had diarrhea, constipation, ta ta drainage (1st surgery), roids, hot flashes, swelling, chronic nausea and vertigo, vomiting, and gained 21 pounds on an already overweight body. The weight gain has been an issue for me. These things have all come and gone as I walk through this valley. It is the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Parts of my body are dying with the cancer. Parts of me that should have died when I bowed my knee to Jesus are finally dying. That's a good thing.

BUT this surgery...it will involve pain and a recovery for who knows how long since my body takes it's own time to heal which is usually longer than most. This surgery will require 4 tubes to hang out of my body to drain....UGH...really...Really! Really? I just know I couldn't do this without Mom and Dad being so confident that it will all be okay...Tubes....TUBES

TUBES will be coming out of my body! My body will ooze stuff out of my TUBES. Did I mention that they will be hanging out of my body? FOUR of them?!?!?! That is sooooo MATRIX!

I'm so going to have to stay at the Granny Spa and let Mom and Dad do this. I just do NOT know how I am going to get through this one. It will be at the end of September. It is a very scary dark place for me right now. It is starting to consume my thoughts. I KNOW people in real life have worse things to walk through. But, as for me, this recovery thing is my DARK Valley. Did I mention, that I am AFRAID OF THE DARK!?!?! I'm so thankful I am the daughter of the Most High God and Great Physician.

Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought I was so strong. This is me, broken on the ROCK. Tonight, I shall seek his Face and not just his Hand!

I WISH

It's been so long since I've gone to church. I want so badly to be able to be a normal person that can be in crowds and not fear catching an infection of some sort.

I've been throwing up of 4 days now. I've been sleeping for 4 days now. I am just not happy right now. I don't have to understand, I just want to make it through it. I am really at the end of my rope on being able to walk through this. Thank God for my parents and friends who keep encouraging me. Giving up is not an option, but when you get to this point it is sooooo hard to hold on. I'm just hanging on Jesus' robe by my short fingernails right now.

I miss my kids. I miss being able to eat a real meal without treppidation of getting sick. I miss holding my children. I miss hanging out with my brothers and sisters. I miss just being a normal human being. I miss being a size 10. I miss having eyelashes. I miss being able to mow the lawn and wash the cars. I won't say what I want to say next, because it would be very hurtful! I hate living in a dirty house. I wish I could clean the tub without throwing up in it while I'm doing it.

Do people really understand what cancer does to a person? As soon as I think I have endured it all, another thing just wells up. Thank God, Mom keeps my head focused on the present. When I look into the future....oh....I can't even imagine if I can get the strength for a surgery that will leave me with tubes hanging out of my body like some matrix character. UGH.

I wish I could have written this without throwing up....AGAIN>

Orphan?

Mom is still trucking strong! She is encouraging me and standing by my side through this little valley that I am walking through. My Mom is like 100 years old and will gladly take Monkey Man Aiden (17 months old) and Princess Hannah Beth (precocious 5 year old) any day, any hour, any minute of the day or night. I know this is taxing on her, but I trust her the mostest and it's hard for me to ask for help.

Mother has been walking in a valley of her own. Yes, this is another call for my pray warriors. Grandma Evelyn is with Jesus now. She left to be with him on June 26th. Pappa decided to sit at Jesus' banqueting table on June 25, but several years back. Uncle Johnny is up there too as of 5 years ago. She still has Bob, her stepdad and our grandfather.

It hit me today when Dr. Fain said he didn't have either of his parents anymore. "It makes you feel like an orphan." It hit me straight through the heart. Did he just say what I thought he said? My Mom took it in. I saw it in her eyes. She finally had somebody feel the same way as her and put it into words. Heartbreaking, let me tell you.

Please pray for Mom. Her name is Linda, which means beautiful. Which she is inside and out. She is still managing her properties, making herself available to me 24/7 and helping everybody under the sun. My baby brother is getting his entire life turned upside down. That is crushing to all of us, but to Mom, to see her youngest in deep heartbreak, is something I can't even put into words. She loves Jesus! That's how she is able to do this, I know!

August 22nd

Ray is so very excited about taking the family to a company picnic on August 22nd. These are the thoughts that rage through my crazy little brain one bajillion miles an hour:

1. Are you freaking kidding me!?!?! The last 5 Saturdays, I've either been in a drug induced coma or the hospital. Where am I going to get the strength to even drive in the car.


2. Really....I get to ride in a car...oh Yippe Kigh Yeah! The one thing that I avoid like the plague due to the vertigo and the never ending nausea. Sure, put me in the one thing that will drag me into an abysmal vortex of nausea and vomiting. I can't wait!


3. Oh and HOORAY for firsties! I am absolutely petrified to meet anybody. I don't want any of Ray's friends thinking, "poor guy, his wife looks horrible and he's such a great and good looking guy!"


4. Even if I am on a good day, I will still have to have meclizine, compazine, ativan, scopalamine, and possibly marinol in my system so I don't throw up all over everybody. With all these meds on board, I am not able to think straight. For example...today I was going to get back into the coupon thing for free stuff. I used to get all kinds of free stuff. It was too much for me. I was so confused. I am SIMPLE MINDED. I don't do well in crowds because the noise confuses me.


5. I am terrified to go in public. Last time I did, I ended up with a $1500 hospital bill. I don't even go to church because I'm so scared I'll catch something from somebody.

Okay, so the truth is: Ray is not bringing me to this to humiliate me. He is excited to be able to have us all meet his friends at work.

The truth is I am a child of the Most High God. I am perfectly and wonderfully made...even if I'm 30 pounds overweight with steroids. Truth, Truth...let's get back to the truth.

The Truth is God is LOVE. He loves me perfectly and wonderfully just as I am. He loves me when I can't work. He loves me when I'm not productive. He loves me when I sleep 30 hours straight and leave Ray alone to tend to the kids.

The question now is, does Ray love me unconditionally? Can he still love me when I look like a cross between Jabba the Hut, Pat from SNL and an Oompa Loompa? Apparently he does. I can see it in his face when he looks at me with those big blue eyes. He just wants to do something and this is something I have to fight. I will fight for my life for him...He's kinda worth it. He'a a pretty okay guy to be married to...not that I'm offering him up for anybody to take...because he is fine, cool, bad and all MINE! I love this man to pieces. Which in a round about way leads me to this.

PLEASE PRAY FOR RAY. This has been almost too much for him to bear. He has had to be a Mommy and Daddy so much. He doesn't like to go to work, because he is constantly worried that I'll hit a bad spot. He is overwhelmed completely by our finances. He carries different burdens than I do as the Head of the House. His knee still gives him fits. He really needs Jesus to bonk him a good one. As I look at him every day this races through my little head, "He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed." I'm praying specifically that he will fall on the ROCK! I want him to know Jesus intimately and ultimately be able to cast his cares on Him.

Wow, I just reread what I was venting about up there! Well that's my battlefield in my mind. Thank God I have the helmet of salvation to ward that stuff off. I can take authority over all of it and hold onto Jesus. I can trust in Him. I told my Mom that I would not allow this little thing called cancer steal my joy. Well, looky there! I was just about to do it! I am totally busted and NOT to be trusted! I'm going to lay on my face and seek Him now. Ready to be more like Jesus and less like a crazed Maniac. I'm ready to stop the enemy and have peace and joy back. Love to all my praying saints out there. MMMMMMMWWWWaAA..that was a big kiss on your cheek!