In the wee hours of the morning, I struggled to align my heart with the heart of My Heavenly Father. I reached for Him. Then, I reached for strength or peace or ANYTHING in His Love Letter. Have you ever been so desperate to help somebody that you couldn't even articulate what you wanted to petition the Lord for? I didn't know what I needed, but I needed something.
I needed His 'something' for Hannah Beth. She had been crying for 3 hours. You know that deep shattered heart cry that children make? It was a compilation of pain, loss, fear, frustration, confusion and abysmal SADNESS.
I called the cavalry through Facebook to aid in covering Hannah Beth with prayer. The Lord heard our cries. He reached down from heaven and touched her. Slowly, her little body relaxed and she fell asleep. With each sigh, the slightest stir or whimper, I felt an urgency to find whatever I needed for her. It was only a matter of time before she woke up crying again.
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD...His words echoed in my heart.
"Oh, you want me to stop this mad frenzy to figure out what I need in this moment?" The idea of just being quiet had not occurred to me. I knew it was okay to not know the answers for her. Apparently it wasn't okay with myself to not know the answers for me.
The Beth Moore book that I've wanted to read for so long was sitting within reach. My glasses were within reach. (Hannah Beth wasn't the only one in our bed that night! Aiden and Buttercup joined Ray and me for the night...Thank God for king size beds!) All I had to do was generate enough light from my iPod Don't Touch to see the words I was desperately wanting to lose myself in. (Well, NOBODY gets LOST in a Beth Moore book! You get challenged and inspired and pushed way out of your little comfort zones as you are bombarded with the TRUTH!) I was only reading for about a half an hour when her words spoke everything I needed:
"God cannot love us any more or any less than He does at this moment. He chooses to heal or not to heal for His own reasons. All His decisions come from His love, but whether He chooses to heal or take us home, His love remains constant." Thank you, BETH MOORE!
This is what I held onto today. I held onto His love. Oh, how He loves us! His love will always remain the same because it is who He is! To know Him is to know LOVE.
I can still see Brenda's face in my mind's eye sitting in her chair. "The most important thing is that we know Jesus. Make sure Hannah Beth KNOWS Him." She was telling me to just LOVE her! Lead her to know Him in the midst of all things, because His Love will heal her every time!
As I pray through this night, I'm praying for all who have been touched by this gentle warrior. Would you draw us closer to you, Jesus? Would you reveal who you are to our hearts? Oh, Lord, let us see each other through Your Loving Eyes. Let us love one another as you have called us to do, so that you may release healing to our aching hearts.
Monday, November 7
Jesus wept.
Jesus wept. John 11:34
The soft rain was the first thing I heard with the song the Lord put on my heart this morning. He reminded me, "Jesus wept." He did! It was almost as if He was weeping with all of us. He feels our breaking hearts over missing our sister. Within the next moment I remembered the gentle rain that fell the morning Jesus took her up in His arms and brought her to her eternal home with Him.
As I pondered these things in my heart, the memory of the last day we spent together played clearly in my mind. We wept. It wasn't crying, it was weeping. It is difficult to put into words. I was doing everything I could to keep my tears and emotions from bubbling over as we spoke. It was just plain sad. I knew it was better for me to listen than to speak in this moment.
"It is okay, Alicia. It's okay. I am okay with it." Tears gracefully trickled down her face as this dear woman of God was showing me that she fully trusted the Lord and His will...completely, totally, unashamedly, and with utter abandonment.
It wasn't until this morning that I realized she wasn't crying for herself. She was crying for me. She was looking into my anguished eyes and sharing the peace of God. She was teaching me more in this moment than I was able to fathom. I'm still learning from this moment one week later. I can only imagine what I will gleen from her as the hours and days pass.
Sending my LOVE and PINK HUGS up to heaven even though His are better! We will see each other again. Until then, I miss you, Brenda!
The soft rain was the first thing I heard with the song the Lord put on my heart this morning. He reminded me, "Jesus wept." He did! It was almost as if He was weeping with all of us. He feels our breaking hearts over missing our sister. Within the next moment I remembered the gentle rain that fell the morning Jesus took her up in His arms and brought her to her eternal home with Him.
As I pondered these things in my heart, the memory of the last day we spent together played clearly in my mind. We wept. It wasn't crying, it was weeping. It is difficult to put into words. I was doing everything I could to keep my tears and emotions from bubbling over as we spoke. It was just plain sad. I knew it was better for me to listen than to speak in this moment.
"It is okay, Alicia. It's okay. I am okay with it." Tears gracefully trickled down her face as this dear woman of God was showing me that she fully trusted the Lord and His will...completely, totally, unashamedly, and with utter abandonment.
It wasn't until this morning that I realized she wasn't crying for herself. She was crying for me. She was looking into my anguished eyes and sharing the peace of God. She was teaching me more in this moment than I was able to fathom. I'm still learning from this moment one week later. I can only imagine what I will gleen from her as the hours and days pass.
Sending my LOVE and PINK HUGS up to heaven even though His are better! We will see each other again. Until then, I miss you, Brenda!
Friday, August 26
Line in the sand
"It is breast cancer."
Dr. Scissorhands' compassionate countenance and the FIRE in Dad's eyes were thundering louder than the new set of rules they were sharing with me.
Dad's focused determination allowed NO room to ask questions, to think, to process or feel. I've seen him pissed before, but this was different. Perhaps it was a glimpse of fear, I couldn't read him. It didn't matter, because I trusted him implicitly. I didn't NEED to 'get it'. I needed to trust.
"Who is my next doctor?" It seemed like the right question. They exchanged glances of both surprise and relief.
"Dr. Fain is ..." Dr. Scissorhands continued to speak. The anesthesia from the lumpectomy was causing serious interference between my brain and the world around me.
Friday, March 28, 2009
Dad locked his eyes onto mine, grabbed my hand, and drew a line in the sand. Fifteen months later, the war continues. Some battles are short; others have lasted longer than I had hoped. Several battles have waged simultaneously. Tonight, several battles are raging....BUT GOD!
Oh, how FAITHFUL and PERFECT my Father in Heaven is! He reminded me of this moment in time back in 2009 tonight! He replayed it in my head to reveal His Sovereignty.
He showed me how blessed I am to have such and amazing man as my father! He purposefully chose Denton Ladd to be my father. I NEEDED his DNA. I needed his stubborn refusal to surrender and strong work ethic. I needed his ganas!
Jesus made sure that Dad and I would have a close relationship. From the time I was born, to this day, He fostered a bond between Dad and I that would bring us to the front lines of this war ready to fight!
The Lord has given me an amazing father, whom I deeply love and respect. I KNEW he had the wisdom that I could trust on that Friday morning. I would listen and do what he asked, even if I didn't understand it. If I needed to understand it, he would explain it from a slightly different angle until I understood.
That is what My Father in Heaven wants me to do right here and now in the midst of these battles I've been enduring through the night. Wow! Isn't God Good?!?!
"You will need chemotherapy."
"You will need radiation."
"You will need a mastectomy."
"Do you have any questions?"Dr. Scissorhands' compassionate countenance and the FIRE in Dad's eyes were thundering louder than the new set of rules they were sharing with me.
Dad's focused determination allowed NO room to ask questions, to think, to process or feel. I've seen him pissed before, but this was different. Perhaps it was a glimpse of fear, I couldn't read him. It didn't matter, because I trusted him implicitly. I didn't NEED to 'get it'. I needed to trust.
"Who is my next doctor?" It seemed like the right question. They exchanged glances of both surprise and relief.
"Dr. Fain is ..." Dr. Scissorhands continued to speak. The anesthesia from the lumpectomy was causing serious interference between my brain and the world around me.
Friday, March 28, 2009
Dad locked his eyes onto mine, grabbed my hand, and drew a line in the sand. Fifteen months later, the war continues. Some battles are short; others have lasted longer than I had hoped. Several battles have waged simultaneously. Tonight, several battles are raging....BUT GOD!
Oh, how FAITHFUL and PERFECT my Father in Heaven is! He reminded me of this moment in time back in 2009 tonight! He replayed it in my head to reveal His Sovereignty.
He showed me how blessed I am to have such and amazing man as my father! He purposefully chose Denton Ladd to be my father. I NEEDED his DNA. I needed his stubborn refusal to surrender and strong work ethic. I needed his ganas!
Jesus made sure that Dad and I would have a close relationship. From the time I was born, to this day, He fostered a bond between Dad and I that would bring us to the front lines of this war ready to fight!
The Lord has given me an amazing father, whom I deeply love and respect. I KNEW he had the wisdom that I could trust on that Friday morning. I would listen and do what he asked, even if I didn't understand it. If I needed to understand it, he would explain it from a slightly different angle until I understood.
That is what My Father in Heaven wants me to do right here and now in the midst of these battles I've been enduring through the night. Wow! Isn't God Good?!?!
Sunday, January 9
If it's pee, let it be...
My family lived in Serenada, a subdivision of Georgetown, when I was growing up. It was nice. The airport hanger was down the street. (At that time it was the only place big enough back then to have our proms and "Senior Nights".) Brad and I rode our dirt bikes in the endless fields across the street from our house.
My brothers and I loved the wide open space. There were very few fences in the subdivision. We had a huge backyard and side yard to play baseball and Ty's favorite, smear the queer. My sisters, brothers and I could all walk to our friends' houses with ease. Well, as long as you didn't cross the backyard of the crazy lady on the corner of Del Prado and Aero! She was straight up MEAN!
The only drawback to living in Serenada was everybody had septic tanks. Mom had to call the "Poop Man" to come suck all the good stuff out every so often. We could only use Scott Tissue, which is not so soft on the tush, if you can feel me. Certain unmentionables could not be flushed down the commode either.
Serenada is infamous for being solid rock with some soil. Each time it rained hard, the backyard would puddle up and it would smell to high heaven just behind Mom and Dad's bedroom window. The tank and it's contents would rise with the rain as it seeped into it. We had to take every precaution to keep the toilets and every other plumbing opening from overflowing with gifts from the septic tank. Dad would always come up with clever notes to tape to the toilet flusher. The one that I remember most fondly is, "If it's pee, let it be. If it's brown, flush it down."
This morning, I thought of that as I looked at my lake of a backyard. After I thanked the Big JC for our home and the sewage we have, I pondered on the wise words of my father. He always had 'Deep Thoughts like Jack Handy'.
It's been difficult for me to start writing again. I tried a couple times last year, but I just felt like everything coming out of me was so dark and dreary. I'm still adjusting to my 'new normal'. It has been difficult, to say the least. Wading through pee and brown is so not fun! I'm beginning to learn that it's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes it seems you are surrounded by brown. If so, take a closer look. It may just be pee...so LET IT BE!
My brothers and I loved the wide open space. There were very few fences in the subdivision. We had a huge backyard and side yard to play baseball and Ty's favorite, smear the queer. My sisters, brothers and I could all walk to our friends' houses with ease. Well, as long as you didn't cross the backyard of the crazy lady on the corner of Del Prado and Aero! She was straight up MEAN!
The only drawback to living in Serenada was everybody had septic tanks. Mom had to call the "Poop Man" to come suck all the good stuff out every so often. We could only use Scott Tissue, which is not so soft on the tush, if you can feel me. Certain unmentionables could not be flushed down the commode either.
Serenada is infamous for being solid rock with some soil. Each time it rained hard, the backyard would puddle up and it would smell to high heaven just behind Mom and Dad's bedroom window. The tank and it's contents would rise with the rain as it seeped into it. We had to take every precaution to keep the toilets and every other plumbing opening from overflowing with gifts from the septic tank. Dad would always come up with clever notes to tape to the toilet flusher. The one that I remember most fondly is, "If it's pee, let it be. If it's brown, flush it down."
This morning, I thought of that as I looked at my lake of a backyard. After I thanked the Big JC for our home and the sewage we have, I pondered on the wise words of my father. He always had 'Deep Thoughts like Jack Handy'.
It's been difficult for me to start writing again. I tried a couple times last year, but I just felt like everything coming out of me was so dark and dreary. I'm still adjusting to my 'new normal'. It has been difficult, to say the least. Wading through pee and brown is so not fun! I'm beginning to learn that it's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes it seems you are surrounded by brown. If so, take a closer look. It may just be pee...so LET IT BE!
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