Poison, Slash, Burn AKA Chemotherapy, Mastectomy, Radiation
In the world of Breast Cancer Jargon, I have become the poster child of enduring all things. I have endured 16 rounds of chemotherapy. 4 rounds of AC also known as "the red devil" due to its most wonderful side effects of making you feel as if you are dying a slow and painful death. Once I finished those, Taxol and Herceptin were a breeze...kind of. If only I didn't have the vertigo, consistent dehydration and chronic nausea. Oh well. I still get a gold star for finishing!
The first slashing came on March 28, 2009. We didn't know what the mass was that they were taking out of me. I knew it hurt like a big, fat, hairy dog and I was ready for the darn thing to come out. When I woke up from that surgery, I was given my new set of rules to live by. Dr. Russell and Dad were on either side of me explaining that it was a 4X5X6 inch mass that was breast cancer. I would need chemotherapy, a radical bilateral mastectomy and radiation. Just six days later, I went under the knife again in order to have a Power Port sewn to the muscle just under my left clavicle. (BTW if anybody says they can't feel it, they are lying! I feel mine all the time! Mine has shifted, so it is lopsided now...most likely from all the accidental head butts from Aiden!) They did a sentinel node biopsy. All four lymph nodes were riddled with cancer.
Raymond Paul had his MAJOR knee surgery on April 8th. Woo Hoo! He is healing well, and we hit our $10,000 deductible within 2 1/2 weeks! Raymond's knee still hurts, but he is soooo much better than he was 8 months ago!
September 24, 2009...I went under the knife again...This time for the mastectomy. I win the prize for the most expensive surgery for the year! Ray's knee surgery was only $61,700.00. My mastectomy was drum roll, please....$72,679.07. Yes, they actually charged the 7 cents! Ray and I both deserve a gold star for these surgeries.
After the mastectomy, I went to my personal burn center aka tanning salon without the tan 33 times, plus 5 'boosts'. YES, the radiation room does smell like the burnt flesh smell you smell at tanning salons. Friends don't let friends tan in cancer coffins! Please pass this on!
My final cut was on December 29th of 2009. I had a complete hysterectomy. The reason behind it: Severe bleeding and abdominal pain during periods followed by bursting cysts 2 weeks later, EVERY MONTH! I was a little at the end of my rope. So, I looked to humor to help me cope. Here's a little conversation I had with Dr. Sherman:
"So, Doc, you know this is my last slash session. Seriously. It is the last tear my body down this year. Every part of me being a woman has been taken away. First my hair, then my boobs and now my uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix, ovaries...PLEASE! I do not want to wake up with a joystick!"
Oh, he was shocked and chuckled as he replied, "That's not my kind of surgery! I'm sure that won't happen."
"I know your brother will be there too, so let's make sure he's in on this with us okay? Thanks for doing this. Starting 2010, God is going to restore what the locusts have eaten and eaten and eaten and eaten!"
He was so kind! Dr. Sherman came in on his vacation in order to perform my surgery. Then, to make matters worse for him, my uterus was attached to my abdominal wall. So, he had to be in there for an extra hour! Bless his heart!
Well, here's to a journey walked, well, I was mostly carried! Thank you, Jesus for carrying me. Thank you, pray warriors and loved ones for carrying my family and me! It's been an incredible journey!
2010
Joel 2:25
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm, my great army that I sent among you."
It's kind of neat how I have kept Aliciaphrasing this with, "God will restore what the locusts have eaten, and eaten, and eaten and eaten!" His word has the great locust (eaten aka poisoning), young locust (and eaten aka slashing), the other locusts ( and eaten aka burning), and the locust swarm(and eaten aka emotional fun times I'm dealing with now).
Yes, the Lord sent a great army to come and destroy the cancer in my body. Although I do not have complete medical proof YET, I believe I am cancer free. I am not angry that my body was destroyed with the cancer. (I am, however, super frustrated with my weight! That's a whole other BLOG!) I am looking forward to falling more and more in love with my Savior. I am excited to see what God has in store for our family. When He repays and restores, He never just covers what was lost. He pours out abundantly. I can't wait to see what He does in Ray, Hannah Beth, Aiden and my hearts this year!
Wednesday, December 30
Sunday, December 13
Adrenal Insufficiency
"I'm behind on facebook, what's going on?" As I read Julie's words on my profile page, I realized that I have not updated ANY body on what has been going on.
From October 20, 2009 until November 12, 2009 I had the following symptoms EVERY DAY:
From October 20, 2009 until November 12, 2009 I had the following symptoms EVERY DAY:
- Body tremors, especially my right arm and hand
- Body twitching...My entire body would twitch pretty radically. It was completely involuntary and beginning to interfere with my radiation treatments because I could not remain still on the board.
- Vomiting
- Dry heaving
- Cold chills and cold sweats
- Hot flashes
- Diarrhea
- Pain in my chest and right arm
- FATIGUE
It felt like I was going through drug withdrawals. I was so incredibly tired that I could barely function. I was not able to drive. This burden was given to my sweet friends and incredible parents. While I drove them CRAZY, they drove Hannah Beth, Aiden and I everywhere we needed.
Mom and Dad thought that I was addicted to Ativan. So, I would take some when the twitching, shaking and dry heaving were really bad. Then, my Dad, the seriously brilliant man that he is, spoke to a Doctor he was working with. He suggested that it could be adrenal insufficiency.
On Tuesday...(Glory Juice Day! I'm a Tuesday Trooper at the infusion center. Every 3 weeks I continue with my Herceptin Treatments. If anybody is in town and wants to kill a few hours making sick people laugh, you are welcome to join me!)...on Tuesday, November 10, I went in for my Herceptin. I explained my CRAZY MAD symptoms to Laurie. She had a puzzled and surprised look on her face. Now, you have to know Laurie. This nurse is top notch. She has been working as an Oncology nurse for over 20 years and she is one incredible cookie! Nothing shocks her! I pretty much have broken the mold for weird, off-the-wall intense side-effects and symptoms throughout these past 9 months. I have been in the 1-10% of oh....you'll be okay crap! I have ALWAYS gotten the worst of the worst.
Sorry, I have digressed, again! So, I questioned my sanity as I watched my puzzled nurse leave the infusion room. Within two minutes she was back. "Dr. Fain said you have adrenal insufficiency. You are going to love this one...You will need to take yet another steroid. This one is different. Basically, your body has stopped producing cortisone."
"Oh, thank you, Laurie! I'm so glad you were able to be the messenger of this one! Steroids, lovely, my favorite! My short and now VERY ROUND body can only take so much more weight on!"
I was too tired to get my script filled that day. I finally took the hydrocortisone on Thursday. By Friday afternoon all my symptoms had vanished into complete air.
Lesson 1:
If you or a friend is experiencing narcotic withdrawal symptoms, yet has NOT been taking narcotics, this is a sign of adrenal insufficiency.
Lesson 2:
If you or a friend has had a MAJOR stressor in their life followed by the above stated symptoms, it is a sign of adrenal insufficiency.
Lesson 3:
If you or a friend has been prescribed hydrocortisone for adrenal insufficiency, do not wait to fill and begin taking medication. This will only unnecessarily prolong your agony.
I have to continue to believe one thing. God is who He says He is. He is still on the throne. Jesus is still the Living Word. I shall overcome, for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and strengthens me and strengthens me!
Saturday, December 12
Pain
What is more excruciating to walk through, physical or emotional pain? Before this past week, I would have immediately answered emotional pain is more excruciating than physical pain, WITHOUT HESITATION!
1992
"I know I can fight you, but until I can take down the Kool-Aid Kid, I won't believe that I will be able to defend myself." The Kool-Aid Kid was a nick-name I gave to the biggest student in Karate World. I had only been learning Karate for 3 months, but I was good, really good at it. Every single time I learned something new, I had to try it out on him. Poor guy was such a good sport! He let me flip him, kick him and beat on him all the time. They all knew why. They knew I NEEDED to do this in order to get my life back. I had all the classic post-traumatic stress signs. In order for me to take my life back, I needed to physically defend myself. I welcomed the bruises I earned at that school. The physical pain somehow helped me heal emotionally.
2000
"Please let me read the label on that bottle. It HAS to be hydrochloric acid!" I begged the nurse who was debreeding my right hand. Her voice was steady as she sympathized, "Mrs. Joyce, it is sterile water, but here it is so you can read it. You have sustained second degree, partial thickness burns. Your nerves are completely exposed. I know you've taken your pain meds. We can't stop the pain, we can only alter your perception of it." I felt as if my hand was still in the fire for two weeks straight. They taught me how to hold a pencil, spoon, everything all over again. Physical therapy is tough. Physical pain hurts. Thank God for creating us with bodies that can heal.
2001
"Monte, everything hurts...everything, even my hair," I sobbed as she held my hopeless body. Tim had just taken Zachary from me. I knew Tim would do everything possible to make sure I would never see Zachary again. I couldn't even take comfort in the words he spoke before leaving, "I'm sorry, I knew what I was before I married you." That was his way of apologizing for the abuse. I knew he didn't want to hurt me, although in my heart of hearts I knew he would eventually kill me. I gave everything to that man. I was NOT the cause of the abuse, nor the adultery. He chose to do these things. I was ashamed that I couldn't keep Zachary because I knew that meant I had to keep a relationship with Tim. Although he was not my biological child, he was the one who gave me the strength to retaliate when his father attacked me. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING more painful than losing a child.
What pain did to Mom...
"Lisa, today, today, today..." stammered Mother. Her voice was so full of joy. She was not in pain for the first time, she truly was happy. You know that joy that comes from the deepest part of your heart? This was that! She continued to explain that Jill had found her. Jill is my sister, well half-sister, but halfsies don't count. She is my SISTER! She described every part of her conversation with Jill. I don't remember any of it now. I just remember listening to her and realizing that it was the first time we had a conversation in which I did not hear the familiar ice clinking in the glass. She called in the morning from the bar. Yet, she was sober and full of life. Mom was whole. God brought her child back to her. Jill was so kind to her. Emotional pain caused Mom to turn to alcohol, which gripped and choked her life while she was living and in the end killed her physically.
Mom abandoned me when I was a child. It hurt her to have a relationship with me. She did not feel 'fit' to be a mother. Forgiving her is so easy. I know she was filling her loss of Jill with alcohol. There were several times that she was supposed to pick me up and she would forget. I would wait all day in the living room looking out the window. I don't remember doing that, but I do remember as I got older thinking, out of sight=out of mind. When I was 21, we started our relationship. I would call her as I grocery shopped at night. She would entertain me with her CRAZY~MAD sense of humor.
16 September 2004
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but your mother could die at any time. There is nothing more we can do." Wow, these words were not what I wanted to hear. Hannah Beth was less than three months old. She has never met her, nor my husband, Ray.
2-3 October 2004
Karri had accrued air miles and used them to give me a ticket to see her. Hannah Beth and I flew to California on October 2nd. I drove and hour and a half straight to Mom's hospital. We arrived around ten that night. They would not let me in. I explained that she could die any moment and I just came in from Texas. "Visiting hours begin at 8 A.M., you may return tomorrow." On October 3, 2004 at 7:00 AM, my cell phone rang. "I'm sorry, but your mother died just a moment ago." I screamed, "Are you crazy!?! You are the same ugly nurse that wouldn't let me see her last night! You do realize that right?"
I was in utter shock as I walked through her trailer that same day. It was a museum of my life. Every single photo she had of me from the time I was a baby, even until that same year was framed on the walls of every room. She carried Hannah Beth's birth announcement in her purse. I never knew she thought about me that much. I really thought she forgot about me when we didn't talk for long periods of time. Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain.
March 28, 2009
"Why do you have to go through this? You have done so much for others." Ray was interrogating me. He did not understand why I would have to walk through this journey. "Babe, it's not what I have done. It's what He will have me learn. Jesus will draw me closer to Him. I just know there is a reason for this. His kingdom will come. Somehow, He will use this so I may be able to help some person in the future. I'm okay with this, really. I don't know why, but I am really at peace."
December 2009
When the emotional strain of illness and all it entails and never ending pain collide, there is no distinguishing between which one is more excruciating. They become interconnected. All pain is relative. There is a point in which a person has endured such great physical pain for so long, that deep emotional pain is birthed. When the battles before this year came and went, the Lord was with me. He fought for me. I am truly an overcomer! I may not feel like one now, but I know in my heart of hearts God created me to go over the hurdles in life and not under. God will go before me and destroy the enemy. This I know. I do have to draw my sword and use it like never before.
Because now...
I see the faces of all these people that love and care for me. All of these faces, all these words of encouragement and empathy on cards, e-mails and letters are revealing the hearts of those around me. They see what I have blocked out this year. PAIN...the agony of fighting for so long. I believe I have already beaten cancer. I truly believe it is completely eradicated from my body. I don't have complete medical proof. I don't need it. I just know. I'm completing the treatments because I trust my doctors and my very pro-active parents implicitly.
Because now...
I have to fight for my man. I have to do whatever it takes to figure out how to show him the respect and complete unconditional and passionate love that he so deserves.
Because now...
The pain management team has assured me that yes, I am hypersensitive to the touch on my entire chest and right side of my upper torso. The pain is real. It is nerve pain. It's effecting my right arm, right side of my rib cage, right back shoulder all the way down to the bottom of my rib cage. Thank you, Jesus that the tumor was on my right side and NOT my left. Otherwise we'd have to watch my heart even more closely! I'm mortified of narcotics because I don't want to develop an addiction. The alternatives are physical therapy, seeking psychiatric help to deal with stress and medication to treat the problem at the root. NO more Ativan! Hooray! Just the steroids, new anti-seizure medication (stops the nerve impulses), and pain meds ONLY if I just can't handle it anymore. I've gone from 18 medications to just 3. Wow! P.S. If I get committed, I'm requesting a pink straight jacket...SERIOUSLY!
Because now...
The floodgates that have been holding back the tempest are getting weak. My coping skills are completely gone. I'm fussing at Hannah Beth for jumping too close to me because I'm terrified she'll accidentally bump my chest. Really? I give Aiden to the first person I can or on the floor when he barely bumps my chest the wrong way. Really? Do they get to have their childhoods ripped away from them because I'm living in fear and succumbing to the pain? NO!
So now...
I have put my fatigues back on. My armor (Eph 6) is in place. I will fight for my mind to come back. I will be able to trust my decision-making. I will be patient and kind and loving. I will BE STILL.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
1992
"I know I can fight you, but until I can take down the Kool-Aid Kid, I won't believe that I will be able to defend myself." The Kool-Aid Kid was a nick-name I gave to the biggest student in Karate World. I had only been learning Karate for 3 months, but I was good, really good at it. Every single time I learned something new, I had to try it out on him. Poor guy was such a good sport! He let me flip him, kick him and beat on him all the time. They all knew why. They knew I NEEDED to do this in order to get my life back. I had all the classic post-traumatic stress signs. In order for me to take my life back, I needed to physically defend myself. I welcomed the bruises I earned at that school. The physical pain somehow helped me heal emotionally.
2000
"Please let me read the label on that bottle. It HAS to be hydrochloric acid!" I begged the nurse who was debreeding my right hand. Her voice was steady as she sympathized, "Mrs. Joyce, it is sterile water, but here it is so you can read it. You have sustained second degree, partial thickness burns. Your nerves are completely exposed. I know you've taken your pain meds. We can't stop the pain, we can only alter your perception of it." I felt as if my hand was still in the fire for two weeks straight. They taught me how to hold a pencil, spoon, everything all over again. Physical therapy is tough. Physical pain hurts. Thank God for creating us with bodies that can heal.
2001
"Monte, everything hurts...everything, even my hair," I sobbed as she held my hopeless body. Tim had just taken Zachary from me. I knew Tim would do everything possible to make sure I would never see Zachary again. I couldn't even take comfort in the words he spoke before leaving, "I'm sorry, I knew what I was before I married you." That was his way of apologizing for the abuse. I knew he didn't want to hurt me, although in my heart of hearts I knew he would eventually kill me. I gave everything to that man. I was NOT the cause of the abuse, nor the adultery. He chose to do these things. I was ashamed that I couldn't keep Zachary because I knew that meant I had to keep a relationship with Tim. Although he was not my biological child, he was the one who gave me the strength to retaliate when his father attacked me. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING more painful than losing a child.
What pain did to Mom...
"Lisa, today, today, today..." stammered Mother. Her voice was so full of joy. She was not in pain for the first time, she truly was happy. You know that joy that comes from the deepest part of your heart? This was that! She continued to explain that Jill had found her. Jill is my sister, well half-sister, but halfsies don't count. She is my SISTER! She described every part of her conversation with Jill. I don't remember any of it now. I just remember listening to her and realizing that it was the first time we had a conversation in which I did not hear the familiar ice clinking in the glass. She called in the morning from the bar. Yet, she was sober and full of life. Mom was whole. God brought her child back to her. Jill was so kind to her. Emotional pain caused Mom to turn to alcohol, which gripped and choked her life while she was living and in the end killed her physically.
Mom abandoned me when I was a child. It hurt her to have a relationship with me. She did not feel 'fit' to be a mother. Forgiving her is so easy. I know she was filling her loss of Jill with alcohol. There were several times that she was supposed to pick me up and she would forget. I would wait all day in the living room looking out the window. I don't remember doing that, but I do remember as I got older thinking, out of sight=out of mind. When I was 21, we started our relationship. I would call her as I grocery shopped at night. She would entertain me with her CRAZY~MAD sense of humor.
16 September 2004
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but your mother could die at any time. There is nothing more we can do." Wow, these words were not what I wanted to hear. Hannah Beth was less than three months old. She has never met her, nor my husband, Ray.
2-3 October 2004
Karri had accrued air miles and used them to give me a ticket to see her. Hannah Beth and I flew to California on October 2nd. I drove and hour and a half straight to Mom's hospital. We arrived around ten that night. They would not let me in. I explained that she could die any moment and I just came in from Texas. "Visiting hours begin at 8 A.M., you may return tomorrow." On October 3, 2004 at 7:00 AM, my cell phone rang. "I'm sorry, but your mother died just a moment ago." I screamed, "Are you crazy!?! You are the same ugly nurse that wouldn't let me see her last night! You do realize that right?"
I was in utter shock as I walked through her trailer that same day. It was a museum of my life. Every single photo she had of me from the time I was a baby, even until that same year was framed on the walls of every room. She carried Hannah Beth's birth announcement in her purse. I never knew she thought about me that much. I really thought she forgot about me when we didn't talk for long periods of time. Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain.
March 28, 2009
"Why do you have to go through this? You have done so much for others." Ray was interrogating me. He did not understand why I would have to walk through this journey. "Babe, it's not what I have done. It's what He will have me learn. Jesus will draw me closer to Him. I just know there is a reason for this. His kingdom will come. Somehow, He will use this so I may be able to help some person in the future. I'm okay with this, really. I don't know why, but I am really at peace."
December 2009
When the emotional strain of illness and all it entails and never ending pain collide, there is no distinguishing between which one is more excruciating. They become interconnected. All pain is relative. There is a point in which a person has endured such great physical pain for so long, that deep emotional pain is birthed. When the battles before this year came and went, the Lord was with me. He fought for me. I am truly an overcomer! I may not feel like one now, but I know in my heart of hearts God created me to go over the hurdles in life and not under. God will go before me and destroy the enemy. This I know. I do have to draw my sword and use it like never before.
Because now...
I see the faces of all these people that love and care for me. All of these faces, all these words of encouragement and empathy on cards, e-mails and letters are revealing the hearts of those around me. They see what I have blocked out this year. PAIN...the agony of fighting for so long. I believe I have already beaten cancer. I truly believe it is completely eradicated from my body. I don't have complete medical proof. I don't need it. I just know. I'm completing the treatments because I trust my doctors and my very pro-active parents implicitly.
Because now...
I have to fight for my man. I have to do whatever it takes to figure out how to show him the respect and complete unconditional and passionate love that he so deserves.
Because now...
The pain management team has assured me that yes, I am hypersensitive to the touch on my entire chest and right side of my upper torso. The pain is real. It is nerve pain. It's effecting my right arm, right side of my rib cage, right back shoulder all the way down to the bottom of my rib cage. Thank you, Jesus that the tumor was on my right side and NOT my left. Otherwise we'd have to watch my heart even more closely! I'm mortified of narcotics because I don't want to develop an addiction. The alternatives are physical therapy, seeking psychiatric help to deal with stress and medication to treat the problem at the root. NO more Ativan! Hooray! Just the steroids, new anti-seizure medication (stops the nerve impulses), and pain meds ONLY if I just can't handle it anymore. I've gone from 18 medications to just 3. Wow! P.S. If I get committed, I'm requesting a pink straight jacket...SERIOUSLY!
Because now...
The floodgates that have been holding back the tempest are getting weak. My coping skills are completely gone. I'm fussing at Hannah Beth for jumping too close to me because I'm terrified she'll accidentally bump my chest. Really? I give Aiden to the first person I can or on the floor when he barely bumps my chest the wrong way. Really? Do they get to have their childhoods ripped away from them because I'm living in fear and succumbing to the pain? NO!
So now...
I have put my fatigues back on. My armor (Eph 6) is in place. I will fight for my mind to come back. I will be able to trust my decision-making. I will be patient and kind and loving. I will BE STILL.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Wednesday, December 2
Divine Delay
Have you ever just met somebody and your spirit testifies to their spirit that God has totally and completely orchestrated your friendship? It has come to my attention tonight as I was thanking Jesus for His Hands and Hearts on earth that I have many of these. I don't mean many, I mean a HOST of divine friendships!
What the enemy intended for harm, God is turning around and using it to bless the Holy Cannolie out of me! Seriously, this little thing called cancer has changed my life. This year, I have met so many absolutely incredible people. Many of them, I already knew, but I have really, really, really been able to get to know them.
For example, my mother, Linda. The Lord has given me 4 of what I consider "Moms" in my life. Sandy is my biological mother. She was my late night buddy who kept me laughing. She ordered a grand-daughter and grandson from Ray on our first date. She is with Jesus now. She never did get to see her grandchildren with her human eyes. Linda is my "step" mother...whatever step means...This year, I've learned that she is a STEP above all other women in my life. She is my Besty! I didn't learn that until this year. Man, she is one strong woman! Then there is Michelle. God, I LOVE her. She is crazy-mad strong as well. She is fighting tltcc too. She has been my phone-a-friend and taught me how to scream and cuss this year! Finally, My Monte, who is my spiritual Mom. She knows every part of me and still loves me through it all.
Then there are all my FB buddies, Mighty Women of God, Lifepointers, and high school friends that know Jesus are coming out of the woodwork to encourage me. What's up with HES? What's up with Hutto ISD, the school board and Dr. Borrer? How incredible are they?!?! They have totally blessed our family! How about my Besty, Rachel...and my new girlfriend Alison from Ray's work...and Leah, Hannah Beth's new Mom and a half? I can't forget my CRAAAZZZZY Mexican Sister, Rosie! It's nice to compare novelas. Eddie Bauer fellow employees and bosses....NOT! They are my TEAMMATES and FRIENDS! Old and new friends...I can't list them all, but really!?!?
Do we deserve this? No, but Jesus really loves us, so we get spoiled! Especially by our family...WOW! I've always known my family is tight and supportive (jeez! Sounds like a bra!), but Ray and I would not have made it without them. My in-laws...I just don't even have words. They are the real deal. I've always known it. You can see it in their eyes, but we've experienced it abundantly this year!
God has given me His incredible embrace of family and friends to LIVE instead of just be here, ya know?
Why is it that my body has reacted so harshly to 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 3 surgeries and radiation? Why do I have to be that small percentage that has the insane chronic nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and vertigo? Why have I been sick since flipping October 20th with all of this? Stress...yes. But gee willickers! I sure would like a break from the dry heaves, puking, pooping, crazy twitching and tremors! While I'm complaining...radiation was supposed to be a breeze! More like a SBD fart if you ask me. I have NO energy after 11AM and talk about itching! It's worse than having chicken pox at 27!
The answer is simple. Divine Delay. That's it. I just had to come to the point of being rendered completely physically incapable of doing anything in order to have the scales finally fall from my eyes. (Well that and the diagnosis of adrenal insufficiency which apparently explains all of my symptoms. Oh and WOOHOO! I get to be on more steroids...double woohoo woohoo! This explains the up all night even though I'm exhausted blogs I'm writing.)
The Lord had to bring me to this point to make me accept help. This year, I have needed help. I was not expecting to be this sick during radiation. Yet, the Lord allowed it. It has been so hard. Every single morning, Leah picks up Hannah Beth for school. She is always in incredible pain, yet she smiles. She is living! She loves being a Mom and serving people. She joyfully opens the van door for Hannah Beth, and gives her yummies. The best part...Miss Hailey. Hannah Beth is the MOST beautiful 5 year old. Hailey is definitely the most beautiful 6 year old! Hailey and Hannah Beth are so fun to watch. They just have so much fun together, that you can't help but catch the JOY!
Each morning, Mom drives from Georgetown to Hutto to pick Aiden and I up. We go to radiation in Round Rock at 8:50 every morning. During the time I'm getting burned, Mom walks around, entertains and plays with Aiden. Every single morning, this woman has her hair done, her make-up on and she is dressed nice. She is getting sick, but she is still trucking forward for me. She is literally laying down her life for me every day, as she has done since I was diagnosed. I'm amazed at her tenacity to fight and figure out the medical puzzle called, 'Lisa'.
I am thankful for divine delays, because they cause me to stop! When you are stopped, you can't 'busy' yourself out of your situation. It is what it is and you are forced to reconcile yourself to the fact that life is what you make it. You can sit and let it just "happen", or you can live and enjoy what the Lord has for you each and every moment. I enjoy the 'Joys' of my life, my family and friends!
What the enemy intended for harm, God is turning around and using it to bless the Holy Cannolie out of me! Seriously, this little thing called cancer has changed my life. This year, I have met so many absolutely incredible people. Many of them, I already knew, but I have really, really, really been able to get to know them.
For example, my mother, Linda. The Lord has given me 4 of what I consider "Moms" in my life. Sandy is my biological mother. She was my late night buddy who kept me laughing. She ordered a grand-daughter and grandson from Ray on our first date. She is with Jesus now. She never did get to see her grandchildren with her human eyes. Linda is my "step" mother...whatever step means...This year, I've learned that she is a STEP above all other women in my life. She is my Besty! I didn't learn that until this year. Man, she is one strong woman! Then there is Michelle. God, I LOVE her. She is crazy-mad strong as well. She is fighting tltcc too. She has been my phone-a-friend and taught me how to scream and cuss this year! Finally, My Monte, who is my spiritual Mom. She knows every part of me and still loves me through it all.
Then there are all my FB buddies, Mighty Women of God, Lifepointers, and high school friends that know Jesus are coming out of the woodwork to encourage me. What's up with HES? What's up with Hutto ISD, the school board and Dr. Borrer? How incredible are they?!?! They have totally blessed our family! How about my Besty, Rachel...and my new girlfriend Alison from Ray's work...and Leah, Hannah Beth's new Mom and a half? I can't forget my CRAAAZZZZY Mexican Sister, Rosie! It's nice to compare novelas. Eddie Bauer fellow employees and bosses....NOT! They are my TEAMMATES and FRIENDS! Old and new friends...I can't list them all, but really!?!?
Do we deserve this? No, but Jesus really loves us, so we get spoiled! Especially by our family...WOW! I've always known my family is tight and supportive (jeez! Sounds like a bra!), but Ray and I would not have made it without them. My in-laws...I just don't even have words. They are the real deal. I've always known it. You can see it in their eyes, but we've experienced it abundantly this year!
God has given me His incredible embrace of family and friends to LIVE instead of just be here, ya know?
Why is it that my body has reacted so harshly to 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 3 surgeries and radiation? Why do I have to be that small percentage that has the insane chronic nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and vertigo? Why have I been sick since flipping October 20th with all of this? Stress...yes. But gee willickers! I sure would like a break from the dry heaves, puking, pooping, crazy twitching and tremors! While I'm complaining...radiation was supposed to be a breeze! More like a SBD fart if you ask me. I have NO energy after 11AM and talk about itching! It's worse than having chicken pox at 27!
The answer is simple. Divine Delay. That's it. I just had to come to the point of being rendered completely physically incapable of doing anything in order to have the scales finally fall from my eyes. (Well that and the diagnosis of adrenal insufficiency which apparently explains all of my symptoms. Oh and WOOHOO! I get to be on more steroids...double woohoo woohoo! This explains the up all night even though I'm exhausted blogs I'm writing.)
The Lord had to bring me to this point to make me accept help. This year, I have needed help. I was not expecting to be this sick during radiation. Yet, the Lord allowed it. It has been so hard. Every single morning, Leah picks up Hannah Beth for school. She is always in incredible pain, yet she smiles. She is living! She loves being a Mom and serving people. She joyfully opens the van door for Hannah Beth, and gives her yummies. The best part...Miss Hailey. Hannah Beth is the MOST beautiful 5 year old. Hailey is definitely the most beautiful 6 year old! Hailey and Hannah Beth are so fun to watch. They just have so much fun together, that you can't help but catch the JOY!
Each morning, Mom drives from Georgetown to Hutto to pick Aiden and I up. We go to radiation in Round Rock at 8:50 every morning. During the time I'm getting burned, Mom walks around, entertains and plays with Aiden. Every single morning, this woman has her hair done, her make-up on and she is dressed nice. She is getting sick, but she is still trucking forward for me. She is literally laying down her life for me every day, as she has done since I was diagnosed. I'm amazed at her tenacity to fight and figure out the medical puzzle called, 'Lisa'.
I am thankful for divine delays, because they cause me to stop! When you are stopped, you can't 'busy' yourself out of your situation. It is what it is and you are forced to reconcile yourself to the fact that life is what you make it. You can sit and let it just "happen", or you can live and enjoy what the Lord has for you each and every moment. I enjoy the 'Joys' of my life, my family and friends!
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