Hannah Beth whined, "Why can't you take me to Target? You went to Sprouts!" She did not understand that I physically could not go to Target BECAUSE I went to Sprouts earlier in the day.
"Lord, please help me teach her why I can't do simple things that Mommies are supposed to do. Could you impart understanding to her?"
ELEFUN! The Lord reminded me of the butterflies in Hannah Beth's Elefun game. The picture on the box said it all. The butterflies were all flying out of the elephant's nose. That's what I felt like. I felt like somebody or something was pulling my energy right out of me! I slid the boxed game off the shelf praying, "Lord, I have no idea what to say, but Peter sure was given words when he needed them. Could you do the same for me?"
Hannah Beth and I sat down at the dinner table. I poured the butterflies onto the table. Of course, some of them fluttered down to the ground. My heart dropped. That's the story of my life right now. Before I was diagnosed, I floated and fluttered through life. I took my physical abilities for granted. A memory of me doing the 'white man's overbight' dance on Friday mornings for my fifth graders flashed through my mind. I wanted to do the white man's overbite whenever I wanted without fear of writhing in pain and being lethargic later.
'Suck it up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL! You've got to explain things to Hannah Beth without breaking down. Be thankful that you are alive in the first place. FOCUS! Oh, Father, HELP ME! I need the strength to get through these next few moments with my precious daughter.' My self-talk and prayers carried me through the next few moments.
"Hannah Beth, you have a strong, healthy body. When you wake up in the morning and make your bed, your body uses energy. Take some butterflies away from your body (the pile of butterflies)."
She took five butterflies. I allowed her to put them back since her body was healthy and knew how create more energy. We walked through her morning, taking five butterflies for each thing she did in the morning, then bringing them back to the pile each time...five butterflies for getting dressed, five butterflies for getting into the truck. TEN butterflies for walking into school (because it makes you so happy to see your school family), five butterflies for choosing and eating your breakfast, five butterflies for reading in the hallway.
Once she understood the pattern, she started popping in wonderful things she does throughout the day. Some things were hard, like writing her full name. Others were fun, like seeing Coach Gavit and Mrs. Johnson! She politely inquired, "Mommy, why are we doing this?"
I reminded her that she was upset with me because I would not take her to Target. We switched gears and started going through how my body reacts to normal daily routines. She took five butterflies out for getting up and showering. When she tried to return them to the pile, I had to remind her that my body doesn't work like hers anymore. She encouraged me, "Oh, that's okay, Mommy! I can help you!"
We took ten butterflies from the stockpile for LIGHT and VERY MODIFIED yoga. Five butterflies were taken for getting Aiden dressed. Another five were stolen in order to help her get dressed. Oh, but wait! Hannah Beth usually fusses over her clothes, which takes at least five to ten MORE butterflies away. We ran out of butterflies and I had only been awake for an hour! She encouraged me once more, "Don't worry, Mommy! We can just pray for Jesus to give you more."
It was tough to explain that Jesus sometimes allows us to walk through hard times, so we can learn, and grow. Then we can encourage and teach others. This was one of those hard times. I explained that the steroids give me the energy I need, but I can only take what the doctors tell me. It is very important to not take too much, or I can get sick. The same will happen if I forget to take some.
She was sad, but she understood. She seems to be more empathetic towards me, instead of just plain angry that I won't do something for her.
I don't understand why she has to carry some of this burden. I didn't want to explain this to her. I hope I haven't scarred her for life by divulging too much information about my illness to her. At least I didn't tell her, 'you literally make me sick when you throw a fit.'
Oh, it is these times that I need help! I have to cry out to Jesus! There really is no other alternative for mothers who find themselves in these precarious positions.
Our family is using "butterflies" as our code word for my fatigue. Even Aiden asks, "Mommy do you still have enough butterflies to play cars with me?" These two gifts from God keep me going! I'm so thankful to be alive to play with them. Sometimes it's hard to live with less butterflies than others. Someday, mine will return and I'll dance the White Man's Overbite any day at any time!
Sunday, October 3
The Dark Side of Recovery
Very little is published regarding the dark side of cancer. I've been beating myself up for not being a skinny marathon runner in my pink SURVIVOR shirt like tons of survivors ahead of me. I'm bombarded by the Pink Ribbon...
The pink ribbon is everywhere. It will be even more prominent this month since it is "breast cancer awareness month". What the heck does that mean? Are people making money at the expense of my life, the disease that took the life that I knew, the disease that took my friends' lives, or are they truly trying to bring hope to people who have had to become soldiers against this monstrosity we call cancer.
I'm sick of hearing how people have become enlightened or empowered by cancer. REALLY? Yes, the experience makes me long to truly enjoy my sweet Hannah Beth and darling Aiden. Crap, man! I'm still freaking sick. It's all I can do not to curse right now. So if you are not in the mood to read a woman complain, then go to another blog!
I'm ticked! We have no money. My husband and I argue and I'm still sick! Did I mention that I'm still sick? The adrenal insufficiency is a bunch of bull! I can't do anything. If I go out and do something, for example a 1 hour children's birthday party, I will be completely fatigued for the rest of the night. It will usually last until the next day in which it takes everything I have to get my daughter to school and care for Aiden. I literally count the minutes until Aiden (and I) will take our afternoon naps!
I can't go to church, because the noise and all the people around me make me sick. Literally, my body pulls all the cortisol when I'm bombarded by noise. I'm anxious in crowds, which pulls on my cortisol. So, church is a no go for me. I'm in such need of fellowship. I'm anorexic for fellowship, yet obese physically.
How many obese survivors do you see? Not many, unless you know me. Although I've lost 11.5 pounds in 50 days, I am still 70 pounds overweight. All the little pamphlets and pictures of survivors are beautiful and at least at a healthy weight. My endocrinologist does not expect me to get off the steroids for another year and a half. REALLY!?!?! I weigh 193.5 pounds. I mostly feel like I need to lose the weight so I can fit in a casket.
I'm worried that I'll get so stressed that I can go into cardiac arrest (because of the adrenal insufficiency). I know this is irrational. The truth is, in order for me to go into cardiac arrest, I would have to be severely traumatized, like be in a car wreck.
My doctors will not allow me to go back to work until they see my body start producing cortisol on its own. Really? HOW LONG WILL THAT BE? I feel like a bum! I should be 'doing' more. The problem is, I can't because when I 'do' more, my body shuts down. It's a vicious cycle that I am tired of...no pun intended.
Okay, I've written it out. I feel better now. The truth is, I'm being benched for a reason. I don't know what it is yet. Perhaps it is so Aiden and I can get more quality time together. For that, I have nothing but thanks. As for the physical poo, I'm undone!
The pink ribbon is everywhere. It will be even more prominent this month since it is "breast cancer awareness month". What the heck does that mean? Are people making money at the expense of my life, the disease that took the life that I knew, the disease that took my friends' lives, or are they truly trying to bring hope to people who have had to become soldiers against this monstrosity we call cancer.
I'm sick of hearing how people have become enlightened or empowered by cancer. REALLY? Yes, the experience makes me long to truly enjoy my sweet Hannah Beth and darling Aiden. Crap, man! I'm still freaking sick. It's all I can do not to curse right now. So if you are not in the mood to read a woman complain, then go to another blog!
I'm ticked! We have no money. My husband and I argue and I'm still sick! Did I mention that I'm still sick? The adrenal insufficiency is a bunch of bull! I can't do anything. If I go out and do something, for example a 1 hour children's birthday party, I will be completely fatigued for the rest of the night. It will usually last until the next day in which it takes everything I have to get my daughter to school and care for Aiden. I literally count the minutes until Aiden (and I) will take our afternoon naps!
I can't go to church, because the noise and all the people around me make me sick. Literally, my body pulls all the cortisol when I'm bombarded by noise. I'm anxious in crowds, which pulls on my cortisol. So, church is a no go for me. I'm in such need of fellowship. I'm anorexic for fellowship, yet obese physically.
How many obese survivors do you see? Not many, unless you know me. Although I've lost 11.5 pounds in 50 days, I am still 70 pounds overweight. All the little pamphlets and pictures of survivors are beautiful and at least at a healthy weight. My endocrinologist does not expect me to get off the steroids for another year and a half. REALLY!?!?! I weigh 193.5 pounds. I mostly feel like I need to lose the weight so I can fit in a casket.
I'm worried that I'll get so stressed that I can go into cardiac arrest (because of the adrenal insufficiency). I know this is irrational. The truth is, in order for me to go into cardiac arrest, I would have to be severely traumatized, like be in a car wreck.
My doctors will not allow me to go back to work until they see my body start producing cortisol on its own. Really? HOW LONG WILL THAT BE? I feel like a bum! I should be 'doing' more. The problem is, I can't because when I 'do' more, my body shuts down. It's a vicious cycle that I am tired of...no pun intended.
Okay, I've written it out. I feel better now. The truth is, I'm being benched for a reason. I don't know what it is yet. Perhaps it is so Aiden and I can get more quality time together. For that, I have nothing but thanks. As for the physical poo, I'm undone!
Thursday, June 17
Just the facts
I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I've been poisoned, burned and cut over and over and over again. A few times, I felt alone. These times were fleeting moments, because the made sure that I was surrounded by strong and encouraging friends and family. When I was physically alone, He Himself comforted me. I've been teamed up with the best doctors, therapists and medical staff without having to search. For this, I am incredibly thankful.
Nurses, doctors, therapists and fellow survivors have told me that it will take about two years to recover. I really thought this little thing called cancer would be over once I was declared cancer free. Much like my Father, I am a stubborn person, especially when faced with a challenge. I will do everything in my power to overcome obstacles ~ EVERYTHING!
Yesterday, we met with the Wise Man #2, Dr. Fain, my oncologist. Never shoot the messenger! Here are the facts:
2 Corinthians 4:15-17
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are earning for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.
No matter how daunting this news is to me, these are light and momentary troubles.
Nurses, doctors, therapists and fellow survivors have told me that it will take about two years to recover. I really thought this little thing called cancer would be over once I was declared cancer free. Much like my Father, I am a stubborn person, especially when faced with a challenge. I will do everything in my power to overcome obstacles ~ EVERYTHING!
Yesterday, we met with the Wise Man #2, Dr. Fain, my oncologist. Never shoot the messenger! Here are the facts:
- I cannot be in the trial for a new drug. I have had too many adverse reactions to meds, surgeries and procedures. It's not safe for any new drugs to be introduced to my body.
- I cannot have any pets for now. Again, we do not want to introduce anything that I could have any type of reaction too. I need to strengthen my body's immune system.
- My heart function has decreased. Herceptin is the drug that destroys the Her2 protein (the mad metastasizer). A side effect of Herceptin is that is can damage the heart. I am unable to take the last treatment unless my heart improves.
- The adrenal insufficiency is still in full swing. My symptoms have been nausea, increased pain and incredible fatigue. Stress causes these symptoms to increase because my body doesn't produce cortisol to help deal with the effects of stress on the body. This can lead to cardiac arrest. 'nuff said.
- 20% chance...Well, let's look at this number as 80%. I have an 80% chance of remaining cancer free for the next five years. It is imperative that my diet, exercise and stress levels remain balanced. The food I eat is just as important as the drugs and supplements I take daily.
- Work is no longer an option for me anymore. The stress of teaching has caused me to step backwards more than I could have ever imagined. "It's not that you will never be able to teach. You just need to focus on recovery right now. We'll get you to where you can do what your heart desires." Dr. Fain encouraged me.
2 Corinthians 4:15-17
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are earning for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.
No matter how daunting this news is to me, these are light and momentary troubles.
Saturday, June 12
Broken Promises~Hope Deferred
This blog was started last year because my Mom recommended I do it. I started writing in the chance that if I did go home to Jesus, my children would be able to know how much they meant to me. It evolved. I started venting. I shared my innermost thoughts during this journey through the valley. I kept writing in hopes that the things the Lord dropped into my heart would minister to somebody else.
Today, I'm venting and hoping that someday Hannah Beth will read this when she is older and KNOW that Raymond and I did everything we could to keep our promise. We did not know that sometimes, parents just miss the mark. We made a promise that we couldn't keep.
June 2009
"Will Sugar be able to sleep with me too?" Hannah Beth inquired? She could barely contain herself.
"Of course, Hannah Beth, she will be your dog. She won't poop or pee in the house either. If she does have an accident, you will have to help clean it up." I was VERY careful to set realistic expectations.
"Oh, Mommy, I will! I'll even clean up her toys!"
That was about a year ago. Hannah Beth has wanted a dog since forever ago. We promised her that she could get one for her birthday, or Christmas. When I was declared sick on March 28, 2009, those hopes were deferred. Then, we were offered Sugar. So, we made the promise. Hannah Beth would get a dog on June 26, 2010. Oh, for a 5 year old, this last year was a long time to wait for such a prize!
June 9, 2010
"Sugar is no longer with us," the owner told me.
I almost didn't hear the explanation. My heart dropped. Hannah Beth would be crushed. Mommy and Daddy will have to break a promise to her. How am I going to explain this? My heart was crushed. I was so excited to see the delight in Hannah Beth and Aiden's eyes when they were given our new family addition. Everything in me wanted to just burst out in tears. Really?
"A woman came who recently lost her dog and Sugar just jumped in her lap. They had a connection right away," she continued.
I totally get the connection. I do. BUT...who is going to collect the broken pieces of my child's heart up when we break this news to her? She has been talking about Sugar NONSTOP and literally every day since CHRISTMAS. This is a long time for a child. I can beat cancer, but damn it! I can't do this to Hannah Beth. This totally sucks!
Thank you, Lord, that I had to get off the phone to see my physical terrorist. I wiped the tears away and walked into her office. We talked about it a bit. Cresta let me know that the Williamson County Animal Shelter euthanizes. As soon as my hour was up, I called Raymond and explained the last hour and a half of our drama to him.
As we watched T.V., I searched for dogs on CraigsList and the Williamson County Animal Shelter websites. We decided to the the Shelter thing for obvious reasons. It would set us back $75, which we didn't have, but we needed to make good on as much of our promise as possible. We would go on Friday.
June 10, 2010
"I'm so excited to get Sugar!" Hannah Beth's words pierced straight through my heart. Literally, my chest started to hurt, my stomach turned and I had to focus in order to not throw up. I knew I needed to give this to the Lord, because of my condition (adrenal insufficiency). This was one of those things in life that just happens. I was making too much out of it. I needed to just let it go.
"Raymond, we have to tell her. I can't let her go on about S-U-G-A-R," I whispered. It was wrong. She would continue to talk about it.
He shot the idea down once, twice, finally...I broke him. He said okay. Do you ever wear your husband down so you can get the answer you want? Don't! If he has the wisdom to say no, just trust it! So, we told her.
She was sooo brave! Her big blue eyes welled up with tears as we told her about Sugar. Her lip quivered, and finally she could not hold back the emotion. She lost it! She just cried and cried and cried. I had to leave Ray and Maw Maw to pick up the broken pieces of her heart to go teach.
As I rushed out the door, Ray and I decided we would go to the shelter after I taught and before I had my treatment. Then, if I still had any energy left, I would try to work at Eddie Bauer Outlet.
Long story longer, I was stuck at school! I couldn't find the lesson plans (that I had been using all morning long) anywhere. I printed them to the copier in the workroom which was in a room far far away from me. I crammed all my stuff I needed to take care of this weekend into my bag, hoping it wouldn't get too heavy. When I arrived, the copier light was on to let me know that there was NO PAPER! NICE! I'm totally stressing now. My plans are due, my daughter needs a dog and I need to get to the infusion center for treatment! "This is so NOT happening to me!" I screamed it so loud in my head that I was secretly embarrassed for getting upset over a dumb lesson plan! As the resourceful teacher that I am, I grabbed a poo worksheet that I knew I wouldn't use and gently placed the two pieces of paper into the slot. The copy was made! Except, it copied right on top of the print of the worksheet! Are you freaking kidding me! I went to the computer lab, because it was closer.
I'll spare the details...it wouldn't print. I started to cry and wondered, can I teach? Is this going to kill me? I'm not supposed to get stressed because of the damned adrenal insufficiency. I've already been showing the signs of needing more cortisone. The nausea is becoming unbearable, my tremors are coming and going and I have NO energy left. My oncologist and nutritionist have explicitly and firmly explained I must control my diet, exercise and stress.
Stress can cause the cancer to come back. I used to be able to say, "Ugh! I'm so stressed!" That's not an option for me anymore. When I'm stressed, I'm consumed by fear that this damned monster is coming back to take me away from my husband, children, Mom, Dad, sisters and brothers! This is all running through my head when a golden light bulb goes off in my little brain. I could e-mail it to my principal! Duh! I wiped the tears away, asked the Lord for peace and strength and began my trek to the car. Of course, Amanda, the WONDERFUL person and principal that she is. asked me how I was. I did confide in her that I was stressed over getting the lesson plans to her. She alleviated my anxiety over that quickly!
1:00
Raymond, Denny, (Maw Maw and Paw Paw's $75) and I travel to the shelter. Those dogs are so sweet. Lady immediately drew me in. She was a five year old heeler mix and very shy and skittish. Then, we saw Princess. She is a 4 month old terrier mix. She had the build of a terrier, but had a red brindle coat with big ears! She had just had surgery. Ray, Denny and I discussed our options, but had to leave in order to get me to my Herceptin treatment.
2:30-5:00
Ray is badgered by his wife on the specifics of what he is doing every moment that I am away. He decided to get her that night because she would be at risk for infection at the shelter. I was so excited. I wouldn't be able to see Aiden's reaction to her, but I might be able to see Hannah Beth's because she was at Granny's still.
7:00
I lie to my employer and tell them I'm feeling okay, but would like a break. The last 24 hours have taken everything out of me. I knew I needed to suck it up, pull up my boots and cowgirl up! I called Hannah Beth to see how her day with Granny and Emily was going. "We have a surprise for you when you get home tomorrow!"
"I know, Momma. It's a dog. I heard you and Daddy talking about it. I swam underwater and grabbed the stuff off the ground of the pool!"
Oh, Hooray! She is so excited about her accomplishments, that she seems to be doing well with the whole Sugar thing! I have to boast about my child for a moment...In the last week she has, worn shorts, socks and shoes, a princess dress, swam underwater, jumped into a pool, and played in a pool without asking for a towel every minute to wipe her eyes! We have taken this child for sensory integrating therapy (then they said it was behavioral) because these things were impossible just last week! She has come so far!
OOOOOWEEEEEEEE! I am all over the place on this blog...I'll claim chemo brain and continue...
10:30PM
I'm so excited to see our Princess, that I can't even open our front door! I wondered if Ray really did get her, because she didn't bark when I came in. Finally! I found her in the kitchen. She was just so sweet with those big brown eyes! I sat with her a bit and just pet her, talked to her. She just kissed and kissed and kissed me! We went outside to explore and hopefully potty (Princess, not me!).
She sat on my lap and at my feet while I worked on school stuff. She got up a couple of times to explore the room. She attempted to chew on one of Aiden's toys. She stopped immediately with a quick, "tsst" from her Mommy! I laid the work aside and just held her and pet her for another 15 minutes before I went to bed. She went back into her little bed in the kitchen.
I noticed my allergies were acting up. I was exhausted, but knew I needed a shower. As I washed my face and hands, I realized exactly what I was allergic to~Princess. Damn it, damn it, damn it! Immediately I knew my immune system would be compromised if we kept our new family member. I flipping HATE CANCER! NOW, my family can't even have a dog because of me! This is ridiculous! Princess's cries interrupted my pity party. Thank God! I have a reason to not like her! She cries and barks at night! I walked into the hallway (I'm upstairs, she is downstairs in the kitchen.) and simply "Tssst" her one time. We didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night. She was just trying to tell me she goodnight, sweet little thing. NOW, I don't have a reason to not like her! I cried...(Crying physically hurts me. It causes my chest to spasm and the only way to stop it is to not cry, or take drugs. I don't like drugs, I'm already cloudy-headed and don't need any more hindrances. I've been holding back on crying for some time now. The well is full and spilling more often now.)
Pain woke me up again. The idea of seeing Aiden's big blues and taking him to see Princess motivated me to stretch out the pain and start my day. Aiden was just a readin' his little book in his bed (upside-down!) when I came to him.
"Are you better, Mommy?" If I answered yes to Aiden's question, his next question would be can you carry me. I had to say, no, not yet. Thank God for Maw Maw (and Paw Paw for living without her for a month!). She always steps in and carries him for me. We rushed (Okay, to be honest, it was more like gingerly stepped, while gripping the rail for dear life!) downstairs to see Princess.
We took her outside to go potty. She had already messed on the floor, so I knew she probably wouldn't get the potty outside thing yet. Aiden let her kiss his hands, cry "yuck!", then he'd wash them, cry "yuck!", let her kiss them, cry "yuck!" and then wash them, let her kiss them, cry "yuck!", and then wash them. It was adorable.
"I'm not saying good-bye to Princess," I choked to Ray as I left for school. I cried half the way there. I knew I had to get this under control. I just knew HB would be crushed and it was my fault! I was having to take extra steroids and some anti-nausea meds to get me through this. She is a dog! Really!?!?! I'm upset about a dog that I spent 3 hours with last night? I tried to talk myself down. Yeah, I'm a dog lover, so that whole it's just a dog routine doesn't fly with me.
Hashing out lesson plans kept me occupied for 2 1/2 hours. Kim rocks! We tackled it well together. I was excited about that. I so miss teaching. I just don't miss the stress of it all. I'm still praying about all that.
Running errands kept me occupied for another 2 hours until I had to clock in at EB. Ray took Princess back to the shelter that will euthanize her if she is not adopted out. To add insult to injury, the shelter charged us $25 to return her. Those A#%holes! Are you freaking kidding me? We paid $100 to have our hearts broken by a dog that we had for less than 24 hours! That's total SHIT! I'm sorry, for cursing, but it is! Seriously, they already have a bad rap for their treatment of the animals. There is no grace for somebody that did NOT know they were allergic to dogs to bring back a dog that could potentially kill her! SERIOUSLY! I'm so ticked, I could just spit!
My girlfriend, Carol Ann called. Oh, thank you, Jesus! I have been so consumed by this novela that I can't even see straight! She and I talked as I drove to work. She was so kind, and compassionate. I share the saga with her. She prayed for me. Now, it was up to me to let it go and trust that God really does know what He is doing and He really is in control!
I cratered a couple of times while I was at work, but was able to compose myself. Seriously, my chest and arm were telling me to stop this nonsense! I didn't want to tell anybody at work, because I didn't want to go home!
So, here I am spilling my heart out on this blog for two hours in the middle of the morning because I'm in pain. I honestly don't know which is worse, my heartache, or the physical pain from crying as I type this.
Today is a new day. His mercies are new every morning. I hope Hannah Beth is not angry with me because we can't have Princess. I hope Princess gets a home. I didn't know I'd want this dog as much as Hannah Beth! Lord, please help me face her today.
Lord, I know this is more than broken promises. I'm sad because I've been sick for so long. I am constantly reminded by my body that I cannot do what I did before. My brain is so much slower. I just can't remember things. I've taken so much out of my entire family and my friends emotionally, physically, time and financially. What will you have me do? I think I'll just sit with you awhile...
Today, I'm venting and hoping that someday Hannah Beth will read this when she is older and KNOW that Raymond and I did everything we could to keep our promise. We did not know that sometimes, parents just miss the mark. We made a promise that we couldn't keep.
June 2009
"Will Sugar be able to sleep with me too?" Hannah Beth inquired? She could barely contain herself.
"Of course, Hannah Beth, she will be your dog. She won't poop or pee in the house either. If she does have an accident, you will have to help clean it up." I was VERY careful to set realistic expectations.
"Oh, Mommy, I will! I'll even clean up her toys!"
That was about a year ago. Hannah Beth has wanted a dog since forever ago. We promised her that she could get one for her birthday, or Christmas. When I was declared sick on March 28, 2009, those hopes were deferred. Then, we were offered Sugar. So, we made the promise. Hannah Beth would get a dog on June 26, 2010. Oh, for a 5 year old, this last year was a long time to wait for such a prize!
June 9, 2010
"Sugar is no longer with us," the owner told me.
I almost didn't hear the explanation. My heart dropped. Hannah Beth would be crushed. Mommy and Daddy will have to break a promise to her. How am I going to explain this? My heart was crushed. I was so excited to see the delight in Hannah Beth and Aiden's eyes when they were given our new family addition. Everything in me wanted to just burst out in tears. Really?
"A woman came who recently lost her dog and Sugar just jumped in her lap. They had a connection right away," she continued.
I totally get the connection. I do. BUT...who is going to collect the broken pieces of my child's heart up when we break this news to her? She has been talking about Sugar NONSTOP and literally every day since CHRISTMAS. This is a long time for a child. I can beat cancer, but damn it! I can't do this to Hannah Beth. This totally sucks!
Thank you, Lord, that I had to get off the phone to see my physical terrorist. I wiped the tears away and walked into her office. We talked about it a bit. Cresta let me know that the Williamson County Animal Shelter euthanizes. As soon as my hour was up, I called Raymond and explained the last hour and a half of our drama to him.
As we watched T.V., I searched for dogs on CraigsList and the Williamson County Animal Shelter websites. We decided to the the Shelter thing for obvious reasons. It would set us back $75, which we didn't have, but we needed to make good on as much of our promise as possible. We would go on Friday.
June 10, 2010
"I'm so excited to get Sugar!" Hannah Beth's words pierced straight through my heart. Literally, my chest started to hurt, my stomach turned and I had to focus in order to not throw up. I knew I needed to give this to the Lord, because of my condition (adrenal insufficiency). This was one of those things in life that just happens. I was making too much out of it. I needed to just let it go.
"Raymond, we have to tell her. I can't let her go on about S-U-G-A-R," I whispered. It was wrong. She would continue to talk about it.
He shot the idea down once, twice, finally...I broke him. He said okay. Do you ever wear your husband down so you can get the answer you want? Don't! If he has the wisdom to say no, just trust it! So, we told her.
She was sooo brave! Her big blue eyes welled up with tears as we told her about Sugar. Her lip quivered, and finally she could not hold back the emotion. She lost it! She just cried and cried and cried. I had to leave Ray and Maw Maw to pick up the broken pieces of her heart to go teach.
As I rushed out the door, Ray and I decided we would go to the shelter after I taught and before I had my treatment. Then, if I still had any energy left, I would try to work at Eddie Bauer Outlet.
Long story longer, I was stuck at school! I couldn't find the lesson plans (that I had been using all morning long) anywhere. I printed them to the copier in the workroom which was in a room far far away from me. I crammed all my stuff I needed to take care of this weekend into my bag, hoping it wouldn't get too heavy. When I arrived, the copier light was on to let me know that there was NO PAPER! NICE! I'm totally stressing now. My plans are due, my daughter needs a dog and I need to get to the infusion center for treatment! "This is so NOT happening to me!" I screamed it so loud in my head that I was secretly embarrassed for getting upset over a dumb lesson plan! As the resourceful teacher that I am, I grabbed a poo worksheet that I knew I wouldn't use and gently placed the two pieces of paper into the slot. The copy was made! Except, it copied right on top of the print of the worksheet! Are you freaking kidding me! I went to the computer lab, because it was closer.
I'll spare the details...it wouldn't print. I started to cry and wondered, can I teach? Is this going to kill me? I'm not supposed to get stressed because of the damned adrenal insufficiency. I've already been showing the signs of needing more cortisone. The nausea is becoming unbearable, my tremors are coming and going and I have NO energy left. My oncologist and nutritionist have explicitly and firmly explained I must control my diet, exercise and stress.
Stress can cause the cancer to come back. I used to be able to say, "Ugh! I'm so stressed!" That's not an option for me anymore. When I'm stressed, I'm consumed by fear that this damned monster is coming back to take me away from my husband, children, Mom, Dad, sisters and brothers! This is all running through my head when a golden light bulb goes off in my little brain. I could e-mail it to my principal! Duh! I wiped the tears away, asked the Lord for peace and strength and began my trek to the car. Of course, Amanda, the WONDERFUL person and principal that she is. asked me how I was. I did confide in her that I was stressed over getting the lesson plans to her. She alleviated my anxiety over that quickly!
1:00
Raymond, Denny, (Maw Maw and Paw Paw's $75) and I travel to the shelter. Those dogs are so sweet. Lady immediately drew me in. She was a five year old heeler mix and very shy and skittish. Then, we saw Princess. She is a 4 month old terrier mix. She had the build of a terrier, but had a red brindle coat with big ears! She had just had surgery. Ray, Denny and I discussed our options, but had to leave in order to get me to my Herceptin treatment.
2:30-5:00
Ray is badgered by his wife on the specifics of what he is doing every moment that I am away. He decided to get her that night because she would be at risk for infection at the shelter. I was so excited. I wouldn't be able to see Aiden's reaction to her, but I might be able to see Hannah Beth's because she was at Granny's still.
7:00
I lie to my employer and tell them I'm feeling okay, but would like a break. The last 24 hours have taken everything out of me. I knew I needed to suck it up, pull up my boots and cowgirl up! I called Hannah Beth to see how her day with Granny and Emily was going. "We have a surprise for you when you get home tomorrow!"
"I know, Momma. It's a dog. I heard you and Daddy talking about it. I swam underwater and grabbed the stuff off the ground of the pool!"
Oh, Hooray! She is so excited about her accomplishments, that she seems to be doing well with the whole Sugar thing! I have to boast about my child for a moment...In the last week she has, worn shorts, socks and shoes, a princess dress, swam underwater, jumped into a pool, and played in a pool without asking for a towel every minute to wipe her eyes! We have taken this child for sensory integrating therapy (then they said it was behavioral) because these things were impossible just last week! She has come so far!
OOOOOWEEEEEEEE! I am all over the place on this blog...I'll claim chemo brain and continue...
10:30PM
I'm so excited to see our Princess, that I can't even open our front door! I wondered if Ray really did get her, because she didn't bark when I came in. Finally! I found her in the kitchen. She was just so sweet with those big brown eyes! I sat with her a bit and just pet her, talked to her. She just kissed and kissed and kissed me! We went outside to explore and hopefully potty (Princess, not me!).
She sat on my lap and at my feet while I worked on school stuff. She got up a couple of times to explore the room. She attempted to chew on one of Aiden's toys. She stopped immediately with a quick, "tsst" from her Mommy! I laid the work aside and just held her and pet her for another 15 minutes before I went to bed. She went back into her little bed in the kitchen.
I noticed my allergies were acting up. I was exhausted, but knew I needed a shower. As I washed my face and hands, I realized exactly what I was allergic to~Princess. Damn it, damn it, damn it! Immediately I knew my immune system would be compromised if we kept our new family member. I flipping HATE CANCER! NOW, my family can't even have a dog because of me! This is ridiculous! Princess's cries interrupted my pity party. Thank God! I have a reason to not like her! She cries and barks at night! I walked into the hallway (I'm upstairs, she is downstairs in the kitchen.) and simply "Tssst" her one time. We didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night. She was just trying to tell me she goodnight, sweet little thing. NOW, I don't have a reason to not like her! I cried...(Crying physically hurts me. It causes my chest to spasm and the only way to stop it is to not cry, or take drugs. I don't like drugs, I'm already cloudy-headed and don't need any more hindrances. I've been holding back on crying for some time now. The well is full and spilling more often now.)
Pain woke me up again. The idea of seeing Aiden's big blues and taking him to see Princess motivated me to stretch out the pain and start my day. Aiden was just a readin' his little book in his bed (upside-down!) when I came to him.
"Are you better, Mommy?" If I answered yes to Aiden's question, his next question would be can you carry me. I had to say, no, not yet. Thank God for Maw Maw (and Paw Paw for living without her for a month!). She always steps in and carries him for me. We rushed (Okay, to be honest, it was more like gingerly stepped, while gripping the rail for dear life!) downstairs to see Princess.
We took her outside to go potty. She had already messed on the floor, so I knew she probably wouldn't get the potty outside thing yet. Aiden let her kiss his hands, cry "yuck!", then he'd wash them, cry "yuck!", let her kiss them, cry "yuck!" and then wash them, let her kiss them, cry "yuck!", and then wash them. It was adorable.
"I'm not saying good-bye to Princess," I choked to Ray as I left for school. I cried half the way there. I knew I had to get this under control. I just knew HB would be crushed and it was my fault! I was having to take extra steroids and some anti-nausea meds to get me through this. She is a dog! Really!?!?! I'm upset about a dog that I spent 3 hours with last night? I tried to talk myself down. Yeah, I'm a dog lover, so that whole it's just a dog routine doesn't fly with me.
Hashing out lesson plans kept me occupied for 2 1/2 hours. Kim rocks! We tackled it well together. I was excited about that. I so miss teaching. I just don't miss the stress of it all. I'm still praying about all that.
Running errands kept me occupied for another 2 hours until I had to clock in at EB. Ray took Princess back to the shelter that will euthanize her if she is not adopted out. To add insult to injury, the shelter charged us $25 to return her. Those A#%holes! Are you freaking kidding me? We paid $100 to have our hearts broken by a dog that we had for less than 24 hours! That's total SHIT! I'm sorry, for cursing, but it is! Seriously, they already have a bad rap for their treatment of the animals. There is no grace for somebody that did NOT know they were allergic to dogs to bring back a dog that could potentially kill her! SERIOUSLY! I'm so ticked, I could just spit!
My girlfriend, Carol Ann called. Oh, thank you, Jesus! I have been so consumed by this novela that I can't even see straight! She and I talked as I drove to work. She was so kind, and compassionate. I share the saga with her. She prayed for me. Now, it was up to me to let it go and trust that God really does know what He is doing and He really is in control!
I cratered a couple of times while I was at work, but was able to compose myself. Seriously, my chest and arm were telling me to stop this nonsense! I didn't want to tell anybody at work, because I didn't want to go home!
So, here I am spilling my heart out on this blog for two hours in the middle of the morning because I'm in pain. I honestly don't know which is worse, my heartache, or the physical pain from crying as I type this.
Today is a new day. His mercies are new every morning. I hope Hannah Beth is not angry with me because we can't have Princess. I hope Princess gets a home. I didn't know I'd want this dog as much as Hannah Beth! Lord, please help me face her today.
Lord, I know this is more than broken promises. I'm sad because I've been sick for so long. I am constantly reminded by my body that I cannot do what I did before. My brain is so much slower. I just can't remember things. I've taken so much out of my entire family and my friends emotionally, physically, time and financially. What will you have me do? I think I'll just sit with you awhile...
Saturday, May 15
Not Again!
"My hair is falling out!" Her frustration was clouded by an overwhelming sense of sadness.
"I can send your wig back to you! Why does it have to fall out again?" I realized both mistakes as they left my mouth. Rule number one: Don't try to fix it! Rule number two: Don't ask questions that nobody has the answer to.
"It just sucks, it's just sucky." My sailor-mouthed Mom/friend was keeping it PG rated for me. I appreciated her respect, but I knew she needed to vent. I almost felt bad for being good. I felt bad for having hair.
"I'll shave my head again with you! I don't like the dark, curly cocker-spaniel look I'm sporting anyways and I'll be nice and cool this summer." Dang it! I did it again! I tried to fix it...I'm really batting a thousand now! I broke Rule Number One TWICE!
"NO! I don't want you to do that. I'm just sucky! It just sucks!" She just wanted to talk to somebody who knew it sucked and agree with her.
"WTFF!?!?!" Yes, I cursed. It was bad. I knew it, but this warranted it. Hasn't she been through enough? As if the diagnosis 3 years ago wasn't enough! She had to endure poison and multiple surgeries...almost dying twice. PLEASE GOD!?!? I want to do something. I can do nothing except answer the phone when she calls.
The doctors had to change her oral medication. Michelle's hair is falling out, again. Her hair was finally thick and shoulder length. She is getting her final reconstructive procedures next week for crying out loud.
I truly HATE cancer and what it does to people. I don't know how oncology doctors, nurses and medical staff are able to do what they do for us. I'm so mad right now that I could just SPIT! It just frosts my cookies to hear a woman explain how their hair is falling out.
I didn't experience any of those feelings when my hair came out. Laurie told me I had 14 days with hair. So, Mom took me to get my hair cut ~ twice! The first time, we chopped my locks I teared up in the chair just before the shears hit my hair. The second time, I just wanted the bangs to be gone! On the 14th day, Raymond called Denny up to bring his clippers. He sheared me like a lamb. When my prickly tiny little stubbles came off in the shower, it wasn't so traumatic. I lint-rolled my head to get the strays off during the day.
Tonight and through the week, Michelle will be on my heart. If you read this, please pray with me. I don't even know how to pray at this moment, so I'll leave that to the Holy Spirit (after I repent for being a potty mouth). All I know is she just wants her hair.
"I can send your wig back to you! Why does it have to fall out again?" I realized both mistakes as they left my mouth. Rule number one: Don't try to fix it! Rule number two: Don't ask questions that nobody has the answer to.
"It just sucks, it's just sucky." My sailor-mouthed Mom/friend was keeping it PG rated for me. I appreciated her respect, but I knew she needed to vent. I almost felt bad for being good. I felt bad for having hair.
"I'll shave my head again with you! I don't like the dark, curly cocker-spaniel look I'm sporting anyways and I'll be nice and cool this summer." Dang it! I did it again! I tried to fix it...I'm really batting a thousand now! I broke Rule Number One TWICE!
"NO! I don't want you to do that. I'm just sucky! It just sucks!" She just wanted to talk to somebody who knew it sucked and agree with her.
"WTFF!?!?!" Yes, I cursed. It was bad. I knew it, but this warranted it. Hasn't she been through enough? As if the diagnosis 3 years ago wasn't enough! She had to endure poison and multiple surgeries...almost dying twice. PLEASE GOD!?!? I want to do something. I can do nothing except answer the phone when she calls.
The doctors had to change her oral medication. Michelle's hair is falling out, again. Her hair was finally thick and shoulder length. She is getting her final reconstructive procedures next week for crying out loud.
I truly HATE cancer and what it does to people. I don't know how oncology doctors, nurses and medical staff are able to do what they do for us. I'm so mad right now that I could just SPIT! It just frosts my cookies to hear a woman explain how their hair is falling out.
I didn't experience any of those feelings when my hair came out. Laurie told me I had 14 days with hair. So, Mom took me to get my hair cut ~ twice! The first time, we chopped my locks I teared up in the chair just before the shears hit my hair. The second time, I just wanted the bangs to be gone! On the 14th day, Raymond called Denny up to bring his clippers. He sheared me like a lamb. When my prickly tiny little stubbles came off in the shower, it wasn't so traumatic. I lint-rolled my head to get the strays off during the day.
Tonight and through the week, Michelle will be on my heart. If you read this, please pray with me. I don't even know how to pray at this moment, so I'll leave that to the Holy Spirit (after I repent for being a potty mouth). All I know is she just wants her hair.
Wednesday, April 7
FEAR
The boobie making process is rather interesting. For me, it started on September 24, 2009. First, Dr. Russell (AKA Dr. Scissorhands, since he is only the best surgeon EVER!), made rather small incisions considering he was performing a radical bilateral (meaning both boobies) mastectomy. Once he excised the remaining cancer ridden tissue from my body, Dr. Staebel (AKA Dr. DaVinci, since he IS an ARTIST!) sewed expanders to the muscle in my now breast tissue free chest.
Expanders-Thicker plasticky outer layer than real implants that are sewn to the chest muscle. If you have breast fed, it feels like you haven't fed your baby all day long. If you have not had the pleasure of engorged milk filled breasts, the feeling resembles a charlie horse. The problem with this horse is, his name is BOB and he NEVER LEAVES!
I asked Raymond to feel my bumps (My left one is named bumpy and my right is lumpy.) He exclaimed, "They feel like steel." Yes, bumpy and lumpy are rock hard all the time! Good Times! Oh, but it gets better...
Tomorrow, I will get another fill. This is what will happen:
Expanders-Thicker plasticky outer layer than real implants that are sewn to the chest muscle. If you have breast fed, it feels like you haven't fed your baby all day long. If you have not had the pleasure of engorged milk filled breasts, the feeling resembles a charlie horse. The problem with this horse is, his name is BOB and he NEVER LEAVES!
I asked Raymond to feel my bumps (My left one is named bumpy and my right is lumpy.) He exclaimed, "They feel like steel." Yes, bumpy and lumpy are rock hard all the time! Good Times! Oh, but it gets better...
Tomorrow, I will get another fill. This is what will happen:
- The most darling, beautiful young lady will politely greet me with, "Are you ready?" Poor Amy! She is so kind and sweet. She awaits my reply patiently.
- "Sure! I can't wait to get stabbed again. It is my pleasure to be stabbed repeatedly!" I reply with the biggest 'Oh Please God, Don't Let It Hurt Like Last Time' grin.
- I change into a navy blue cape that doesn't fit my ever-fluffy plump body.
- FEAR and I battle for the few moments I wait for Dr. Staebel to enter into the room.
These literally are all the thoughts that race through my little brain:
- This is temporary.
- It doesn't have to hurt.
- Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
- Relax, relax, don't do it, when you wanna go to it...FOCUS! FOCUS!
- Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.
- Okay, I'm thankful to be able to hold my children. Please, Lord don't let this hurt so bad that I can't cuddle with my babies.
- Taking deep breaths, taking deep breaths...crap! Those are shallow breaths...DEEP Breaths. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.
- Only a few more times and it will be over.
- The pain will end, eventually, it will end. It has to end.
- Oh Lord if it starts, please make it end quickly.
- You hung on that cross for a LONG time. You KNOW pain. You know pain, so could you intervene so I won't feel it, PLEASE.
- He is about to stab me in the chest, TWICE!
- This is CAKE...really, I can totally do this. The stabbing doesn't hurt, it's when I leave the office. It's all good.
- Pump up the jam, pump it up while your...Focus...My boobs are Air Nike's! Focus!
- HUGE NEEDLE...GNARLY...I can totally do this.
- "This isn't going to hurt me a bit," Dr. Staebel's humorous words ring through my head. (This was his first response to me when I asked if it was going to hurt.)
- OH, Good God in Heaven, How is it possible that I am in here doing this again? You are so with me, right?!?!
- We can do this, Jesus and me. I really want my Mom though. She's really strong.
- OK, Cowgirl UP!
Dr. Staebel enters the room with Amy or another assistant. They console me the best they can. Once I realize I can't stall the process anymore with nervous questions or humor, the expansion begins. Dr. Staebel or his assistant will roll a magnet over Bumpy and Lumpy to find each port and mark them with an 'X'. Dr. Staebel stabs me with a gargantuan needle the size of Texas. He pushes the saline water into the expander until I feel the pressure.
The pressure of the expansion is not as intense when I'm laying on the table. As soon as I sit up, I'll feel a sensation of extreme pressure. It will burn and my muscles will constrict like a Python wringing its prey. Within hours, if I do not relax, my entire chest wall, arms and back will feel the effects of FEAR.
Truly it is the fear of pain that has caused the pain. If I guard my chest. (Guarding is rolling my shoulders forward instead of purposefully holding my posture correctly with my chest out.) The aching and burning turn into intense stabbing pain the trickles down my rib cage like burning lava. Literally, it feels like liquid fire is rolling down my rib cage. Flexiril, Advil, Tramadol, Darvocet, Lortab, Norco...they mean nothing to me at this point. I am left with only one option, rest. I'll take the Advil and Flexiril in hopes that I can sleep. Finally, I am forced to take one of the pain killers.
It is at this very moment, the one where the bottle is in my hand and I open it, that I feel like I've lost my battle with Fear. Dang it! I wasn't able to relax and stretch on my own. I wasn't able to stop myself from guarding. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning.
Twelve hours from now, (3:00PM) I will walk into Dr. Staebel's office. Today is the day that I will win this battle. Today, I will choose to look ahead and not behind me. I am choosing to go over and not under. I will do all that I can to relax. I will pray. I will stretch. If the pain gets tuff, I will choose to take the appropriate medication and be okay with it. I choose hope instead of defeat.
Wednesday, March 17
YEE HAW!
Today's Mantra
Cresta, my personal physical terrorist taped my shoulder up today. You see, after a mastectomy, many women tend to roll one or both shoulders forward in an attempt to guard the pain. I would be one of those women! DANG IT!!!!!
(I know I so need to catch everybody up on the latest and greatest of the obstacles I keep knocking over. I will play catch-up on the next post! I'm feeling extra Sassy today. So, I decided to record today's happenings.)
OOOOOPS! Bunny trail, sorry! I have to give props to my girl, Cresta! She is excellent at what she does! She is a physical therapist, and specializes in lymphedema. She knows what she is doing, and she is GREAT at what she does! I couldn't be in better hands. It is amazing how I keep getting the best of the best with every doctor I've worked with and now, I get to work with her! Okay...bunny trail is over! (I heart you and your bunny trails, BK!)
Where was I? Sassy!!!! So, Cresta tapes my shoulder back and shows me how to have proper posture. I couldn't help but giggle! When you have proper posture, you are sticking your boobies out! Seriously.
"Hello, look at my fake boobies. They are lopsided!" I declared in my best deep, sultry, Columbian Coffee commercial voice. Cresta chuckled. I declared my mantra inside my head to remind myself to keep those shoulders back. (Some of you may be wondering why my fake newbies are lopsided. Long story short, we are not able to fill the expanders on the radiated side as quickly as the other.)
Mowing the Lawn
Today was the perfect day to pull weeds. The soil was still nice and soggy from yesterday's rain. Aiden went down for his nap easily. I new I had a minimum of 90 minutes to devote to the yard. Hannah Beth gleefully accepted my invitation to play outside. After playing together, I asked her permission to pull the weeds and clover. She responded, "I don't mind if you have to do that dirty work. We can play again later." Oh! I could just squeeze lemonade right out of her! She's so cute!
I kept the baby monitor, cell phone and home phone all in one place out of the sun. Hannah Beth put her Dora garden gloves on as I decorated myself with my brown velour pants (yes, you read that right, VELOUR!), brown long sleeve shirt, Save the Ta Tas camouflage hat and WHITE CROCS!
We marched to the clover and ripped the living roots right out of the ground. We were both pooped after pulling a 1X1 foot area in twenty minutes. Hannah Beth was pulling with all her might as I attacked the roots with the cool garden tool thingy I bought last year on clearance. I don't know what it's called, but it sure did work! I finally just blurted, "This clover and weed pulling by hand is for the birds, I'm gonna mow the living bad word out of this stuff."
"Yeah, Momma, you get that bad stuff out of here!" exclaimed Hannah Beth.
OH! It was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! I stood up, 'snapped' my lopsided boobies out and headed for the lawnmower. Hannah Beth promised to stay in sight if I got Bessie running. I decided if we have fuel, it would be a sign that it would be okay for me to mow the lawn. Low and behold...FUEL!
Of course I was sharing all my thoughts with Hannah Beth. She was following right behind me proclaiming, "FUEL, check!"
"I'm only going to pull Bessie's string 7 times. If it takes any more, I will give up the ghost on this. I don't know if I have the strength for this. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be pulling it, but here goes."
Hannah Beth was there to count, "One, two, three, four, five, six, uh, maybe you aren't supposed...."
"YEE-Haw! I did it, Hannah Beth! High five, give me some knuckles and blow it up with fireworks! Your Momma is NOT to be messed with!"
She humored me with high fives and knuckles before mounting her bike while I mowed the lawn in my crazy sun-blocking outfit. I had the cheesiest grin on my face the entire time! Hannah Beth and I kept waving to each other. I was a whooping and a hollerin', screaming like a banshee, yeehawing and cheering while mowing most of the front yard. Out comes my new next door neighbor....OOOPS! I so know she thinks I'm loonier than a toon. Oh well!
I had to hold my right arm above my head for most of the time to keep it from swelling up. I'm sure I was a sight and sound to behold. Here I am, cheering, holding my right arm above my head with the best possible posture one can muster up while mowing the lawn with my left hand!
"Oh, my, my, Oh he** yes, time to put on that party dress" kept running through my head.
Victorious thoughts flooded my heart and brain:
This is for all my peeps who fought before me, with me and are currently fighting cancer! Take this, cancer! I can MOW the lawn. I'm a lawn MOWER. I'm laying down the law on my lawn! OOOPS, lopsy girls~SNAP~I am woman, hear me ROAR! Fightin' like a girl! Snap those girls again!
I decided to keep going until I ran out of fuel. Well, I didn't run out of fuel. I finished that bad mad lawn! Oh yes, I did! It was CRAZY swampy in back too! I kept thinking, Ray would be right at home mowing our backyard bayou!
Aiden woke up while I was finishing the last couple of rows in the back. He and Hannah Beth waved to me while I finished up. I could see his little mouth say, "Hi, Mommy!" through his pacifier. He grinned that grin that reminded me why this little thing called cancer didn't win. It didn't win because these two children that God gave to me were meant to be loved, tickled, adored and played with by ME!
The kids played in my bedroom and bathroom while I showered. Aiden was cracking me up with his little, "Hi, Mommy, cleaning her stinkies!" updates every minute and a half. Hannah Beth was giddy with delight each time he did it. I'm sure she was putting him up to the task!
It is now 12:14AM. I am tuckered out. I got home from work around ten tonight. It was fun playing at Eddie Bauer with Shawny and Kris tonight. I haven't taken one pain killer, and I do believe I will live. Good thing too! I'm excited about the adventure tomorrow will bring!
Cresta, my personal physical terrorist taped my shoulder up today. You see, after a mastectomy, many women tend to roll one or both shoulders forward in an attempt to guard the pain. I would be one of those women! DANG IT!!!!!
(I know I so need to catch everybody up on the latest and greatest of the obstacles I keep knocking over. I will play catch-up on the next post! I'm feeling extra Sassy today. So, I decided to record today's happenings.)
OOOOOPS! Bunny trail, sorry! I have to give props to my girl, Cresta! She is excellent at what she does! She is a physical therapist, and specializes in lymphedema. She knows what she is doing, and she is GREAT at what she does! I couldn't be in better hands. It is amazing how I keep getting the best of the best with every doctor I've worked with and now, I get to work with her! Okay...bunny trail is over! (I heart you and your bunny trails, BK!)
Where was I? Sassy!!!! So, Cresta tapes my shoulder back and shows me how to have proper posture. I couldn't help but giggle! When you have proper posture, you are sticking your boobies out! Seriously.
"Hello, look at my fake boobies. They are lopsided!" I declared in my best deep, sultry, Columbian Coffee commercial voice. Cresta chuckled. I declared my mantra inside my head to remind myself to keep those shoulders back. (Some of you may be wondering why my fake newbies are lopsided. Long story short, we are not able to fill the expanders on the radiated side as quickly as the other.)
Mowing the Lawn
Today was the perfect day to pull weeds. The soil was still nice and soggy from yesterday's rain. Aiden went down for his nap easily. I new I had a minimum of 90 minutes to devote to the yard. Hannah Beth gleefully accepted my invitation to play outside. After playing together, I asked her permission to pull the weeds and clover. She responded, "I don't mind if you have to do that dirty work. We can play again later." Oh! I could just squeeze lemonade right out of her! She's so cute!
I kept the baby monitor, cell phone and home phone all in one place out of the sun. Hannah Beth put her Dora garden gloves on as I decorated myself with my brown velour pants (yes, you read that right, VELOUR!), brown long sleeve shirt, Save the Ta Tas camouflage hat and WHITE CROCS!
We marched to the clover and ripped the living roots right out of the ground. We were both pooped after pulling a 1X1 foot area in twenty minutes. Hannah Beth was pulling with all her might as I attacked the roots with the cool garden tool thingy I bought last year on clearance. I don't know what it's called, but it sure did work! I finally just blurted, "This clover and weed pulling by hand is for the birds, I'm gonna mow the living bad word out of this stuff."
"Yeah, Momma, you get that bad stuff out of here!" exclaimed Hannah Beth.
OH! It was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! I stood up, 'snapped' my lopsided boobies out and headed for the lawnmower. Hannah Beth promised to stay in sight if I got Bessie running. I decided if we have fuel, it would be a sign that it would be okay for me to mow the lawn. Low and behold...FUEL!
Of course I was sharing all my thoughts with Hannah Beth. She was following right behind me proclaiming, "FUEL, check!"
"I'm only going to pull Bessie's string 7 times. If it takes any more, I will give up the ghost on this. I don't know if I have the strength for this. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be pulling it, but here goes."
Hannah Beth was there to count, "One, two, three, four, five, six, uh, maybe you aren't supposed...."
"YEE-Haw! I did it, Hannah Beth! High five, give me some knuckles and blow it up with fireworks! Your Momma is NOT to be messed with!"
She humored me with high fives and knuckles before mounting her bike while I mowed the lawn in my crazy sun-blocking outfit. I had the cheesiest grin on my face the entire time! Hannah Beth and I kept waving to each other. I was a whooping and a hollerin', screaming like a banshee, yeehawing and cheering while mowing most of the front yard. Out comes my new next door neighbor....OOOPS! I so know she thinks I'm loonier than a toon. Oh well!
I had to hold my right arm above my head for most of the time to keep it from swelling up. I'm sure I was a sight and sound to behold. Here I am, cheering, holding my right arm above my head with the best possible posture one can muster up while mowing the lawn with my left hand!
"Oh, my, my, Oh he** yes, time to put on that party dress" kept running through my head.
Victorious thoughts flooded my heart and brain:
This is for all my peeps who fought before me, with me and are currently fighting cancer! Take this, cancer! I can MOW the lawn. I'm a lawn MOWER. I'm laying down the law on my lawn! OOOPS, lopsy girls~SNAP~I am woman, hear me ROAR! Fightin' like a girl! Snap those girls again!
I decided to keep going until I ran out of fuel. Well, I didn't run out of fuel. I finished that bad mad lawn! Oh yes, I did! It was CRAZY swampy in back too! I kept thinking, Ray would be right at home mowing our backyard bayou!
Aiden woke up while I was finishing the last couple of rows in the back. He and Hannah Beth waved to me while I finished up. I could see his little mouth say, "Hi, Mommy!" through his pacifier. He grinned that grin that reminded me why this little thing called cancer didn't win. It didn't win because these two children that God gave to me were meant to be loved, tickled, adored and played with by ME!
The kids played in my bedroom and bathroom while I showered. Aiden was cracking me up with his little, "Hi, Mommy, cleaning her stinkies!" updates every minute and a half. Hannah Beth was giddy with delight each time he did it. I'm sure she was putting him up to the task!
It is now 12:14AM. I am tuckered out. I got home from work around ten tonight. It was fun playing at Eddie Bauer with Shawny and Kris tonight. I haven't taken one pain killer, and I do believe I will live. Good thing too! I'm excited about the adventure tomorrow will bring!
Sunday, February 21
Endurance
Merriam Webster Definition:
Endurance is the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; especially:the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity .
Endurance is the act or an instance of enduring or suffering .
Two women have utterly shocked me with their appearances. I hope they don't mind that I am pointing them out, but they are (in order of greatest shock to least greatest shock) Nicole H and Barbara W. To my knowledge, Nicole adjusted one thing in her life. She consciously chewed her food. She dropped weight. Not only does she look healthy, but she looks YOUNGER! She could pass for 23 easy! I was so shocked by her beauty when I ran into her last that I literally did not know what to say to her. She looks GREAT!
Then there is Ms. Barbara. Barbara is one of those God Chasers. She loves Jesus with all her heart. She runs real live marathons and takes care of her body by eating organic food. She has lost weight. More importantly, she has lost at least 15 years of her outer age appearance over the 5 years I've had the pleasure of knowing her. I know she pulls her strength from the Lord. It's more than that though, but I can't put my finger on it. The last time I saw her, I wanted to pull her aside and ask, "How? How do you do it? How do you keep working so hard for so long? How do you do it? How? How? HOW!?!"
I will NOT give up this fight. I will continue running the race. As my father says, "Slow and steady wins the race." He even bought me a Brighton turtle charm to remind me over and over again. I just don't know how to go slow and steady. I have two speeds fast and faster, even if I'm exhausted.
The truth is:
Hebrews 12:1-2
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
So there it is in black and white! I need to throw everything off and look to JESUS. Here I go back on my knees again! Barbara, if you read this, please pray for me! I would be ever so grateful!
I will NOT give up this fight. I will continue running the race. As my father says, "Slow and steady wins the race." He even bought me a Brighton turtle charm to remind me over and over again. I just don't know how to go slow and steady. I have two speeds fast and faster, even if I'm exhausted.
The truth is:
Hebrews 12:1-2
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
So there it is in black and white! I need to throw everything off and look to JESUS. Here I go back on my knees again! Barbara, if you read this, please pray for me! I would be ever so grateful!
Monday, February 15
Confessions of a Dying Woman
Dad wept. "Yep," was all he could articulate.
Mom had just repeated the words that came out of my mouth, "The PET scan was clean. No cancer activity was found."
So there you have it. I am cancer free. I guess it's tombstone would read, "Here lies the cancer that failed to take a life. March 28, 2009-February 8, 2010." I'm NOT in remission. Remission has the prefix 're' meaning again. I will not fight this war again! I am simply cancer free.
Fighting cancer was my WWI. Battling the bulge is my WWII. Surely, if I can beat cancer, I can lose this weight. I hope. I pray. Oh, but I am dying! Yes, you read that right! I am dying...
I am dying. I am dying to...
- my idea of what a woman 'should' look like.
- bad eating habits.
- pride, selfishness and vanity.
- my belief that I have to be the best at whatever I do.
- my concepts of motherhood, teaching and working.
- everything I once thought I knew about myself.
- self-reliance.
- producing.
- independence.
- 'just being nice'. I don't want to waste any more time. If somebody is ugly to me, I hang up or turn away. I don't have time to waste on stupidity and/or stupid people.
At the same time, I gained an incredible respect and admiration for each member of my family, especially Mom. Even Hannah Beth has lived up to her name...mercy, grace, prayer and deliverer of joy. Her and Aiden inspired me to keep fighting when I was digging deep for strength.
You know that place where every part of your body hurts, the nausea can't be tamed, the room is moving and you still have to get up, get dressed, get your kids fed and off to school. Then you hope to God you don't make a mistake with your baby as you play and care for him throughout the day?
I have the two most incredible children. They have been kind, careful and loving through this process. I can see already that they will be absolutely incredible adults as they grow in the Lord. What an amazing gift to be a part of their lives!
The Lord promises in His Love Letter to us:
Joel 2:24-25 (Amplified Version)
25And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten--the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you.
26And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.
The hopping locust would be the multiple surgeries.
The chemotherapy is the stripping locust.
Finally, the radiation would be the crawling locust.
He will restore my body, so I will praise His name. He has dealt with me wondrously. MANY people have blessed our family EXCEEDINGLY and ABUNDANTLY! He spared my life, which I attribute to the incredible men and women who stood in the gap for me. I am overwhelmed with a full heart of thankfulness. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, angels and warriors who have blessed us and prayed for us!
Saturday, January 9
Before Picture (Video)
Enough is enough! My body has been a Science experiment for too long! In the process of killing the cancer, I have been fed steroids. I wish I could blame my weight gain solely and completely on the steroids, but the fact of the matter is, I ate and ate and ate and ate.
"The most common complaint of breast cancer survivors is weight gain," Laurie assures me. It's one of those DANG it!!! myths about cancer. One of the things I was (in a twisted sort of way) looking forward too was getting thin. Oh, but I was deceived! Due to the immense amount of pain that the chemotherapy causes, a VERY strong steroid is given to patients. BUMMER! Add the everything tastes like poo except Werther's Coffee Candies, Mom's cast iron skillet fried in butter potatoes & macaroni and tomatoes...AND YOU get to be 188.2 pounds of pure LOVE!
I may have lost most coping skills during this fight, but I have learned to use a little laughter to keep me from being taken in a pink straight jacket to Shoal Creek. Honestly, I have had such a hard time looking in the mirror. I shower in the dark and work very hard to put make-up on without a mirror. My hair looks like a puppy dog. I've worn more hats, beenies, and scarves than I did when I was completely bald! I'm officially a size 18! YIKES!
"Let's take care of your body and healing before we worry about your weight." I've heard that from EVERY single doctor. There is a point in which a woman needs to take the bull by the horns and defeat it! I have done EVERYTHING the doctors have told me. This is the first time I have gone against there advice. I am woman, hear me ROAR!
WE have started Weight Watchers! Don't worry, I am NOT Cybil! My Besty, Rachel and I have started WW together. I don't have the monetary means to pay $40 a month for the meetings, so we are meeting every Friday morning for weigh in. Yesterday was weigh in. 188.2 pounds....It has been hard for me to hold back from inserting whatever I want into my pie hole whenever I want! Rachel is so excited, so it is inspiring me to stay on track. She is CrAzY MaD excited! Each time I want to put a naughty in my mouth, I just imagine her Kool-Aid Kid Shining Up the Entire House grin. Her Little Girl Shrieking with Glee echoes in my head. Then, I can say no. I just LOVE HER! She helped me shop for good low point foods. Anytime I want to buy a naughty high point food, I just shoot my left ring finger at it and say, "My husband and I are worth more than you!"
Rachel and I decided that we are worth the rewards too! So, I will be bringing our bookmarks to the next meeting. We WILL be earning stickers for each 5 pounds lost. When we meet our 10% goal, we are going to Wonderful Things in Georgetown to buy ourselves a Brighton Charm for $10! Fun TIMES!
Here are the facts. My personal goal is to be able to wear my wedding band and engagement ring again. I need to lose 53.2 pounds. My ten percent goal is 18.8 pounds. My ultimate weight goal is 135 pounds. So, I have a good fight ahead of me considering I MUST eat protein EVERY time I eat...Doctor's orders!
I am still taking steroids, so that is a little challenge. Then there is the I am still healing from a hysterectomy challenge. I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF CHALLENGES! I have opened my entire heart and life here on this blog. I needed a 'before' picture. That just didn't seem like enough for me. So, here I am with my round, bumpy and lumpy body singing my 'before song'.
I don't know how long it will take me to get to my goal. I don't care right now. Any of my students will tell you, "The process is more important than the product!" I shall eat my words, why not? words are 0 POINTS! I'll let y'all know my progress here and there. I wonder what my song will be when I am curvalicious?
P.S. Sorry it is sideways, but I don't know how to fix it. The screen on the left of me holds ALL of the cards of LOVE and encouragement y'all have sent. THANK YOU!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)