I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I've been poisoned, burned and cut over and over and over again. A few times, I felt alone. These times were fleeting moments, because the made sure that I was surrounded by strong and encouraging friends and family. When I was physically alone, He Himself comforted me. I've been teamed up with the best doctors, therapists and medical staff without having to search. For this, I am incredibly thankful.
Nurses, doctors, therapists and fellow survivors have told me that it will take about two years to recover. I really thought this little thing called cancer would be over once I was declared cancer free. Much like my Father, I am a stubborn person, especially when faced with a challenge. I will do everything in my power to overcome obstacles ~ EVERYTHING!
Yesterday, we met with the Wise Man #2, Dr. Fain, my oncologist. Never shoot the messenger! Here are the facts:
- I cannot be in the trial for a new drug. I have had too many adverse reactions to meds, surgeries and procedures. It's not safe for any new drugs to be introduced to my body.
- I cannot have any pets for now. Again, we do not want to introduce anything that I could have any type of reaction too. I need to strengthen my body's immune system.
- My heart function has decreased. Herceptin is the drug that destroys the Her2 protein (the mad metastasizer). A side effect of Herceptin is that is can damage the heart. I am unable to take the last treatment unless my heart improves.
- The adrenal insufficiency is still in full swing. My symptoms have been nausea, increased pain and incredible fatigue. Stress causes these symptoms to increase because my body doesn't produce cortisol to help deal with the effects of stress on the body. This can lead to cardiac arrest. 'nuff said.
- 20% chance...Well, let's look at this number as 80%. I have an 80% chance of remaining cancer free for the next five years. It is imperative that my diet, exercise and stress levels remain balanced. The food I eat is just as important as the drugs and supplements I take daily.
- Work is no longer an option for me anymore. The stress of teaching has caused me to step backwards more than I could have ever imagined. "It's not that you will never be able to teach. You just need to focus on recovery right now. We'll get you to where you can do what your heart desires." Dr. Fain encouraged me.
So, there it is. I will not be the marathon running cancer survivor that I wanted to be this year. I really had high hopes of running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in November. I will walk, because that is what I will be able to do. I am still learning how to accept all this news. I cannot push my body anymore. It will kill me. So, I am learning to wake up each day and live moment by moment. I do not have to like the new set of rules I have been given, but I can enjoy the life that I have been given!
2 Corinthians 4:15-17
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are earning for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.
No matter how daunting this news is to me, these are light and momentary troubles.
This blog was started last year because my Mom recommended I do it. I started writing in the chance that if I did go home to Jesus, my children would be able to know how much they meant to me. It evolved. I started venting. I shared my innermost thoughts during this journey through the valley. I kept writing in hopes that the things the Lord dropped into my heart would minister to somebody else.
Today, I'm venting and hoping that someday Hannah Beth will read this when she is older and KNOW that Raymond and I did everything we could to keep our promise. We did not know that sometimes, parents just miss the mark. We made a promise that we couldn't keep.
June 2009
"Will Sugar be able to sleep with me too?" Hannah Beth inquired? She could barely contain herself.
"Of course, Hannah Beth, she will be your dog. She won't poop or pee in the house either. If she does have an accident, you will have to help clean it up." I was VERY careful to set realistic expectations.
"Oh, Mommy, I will! I'll even clean up her toys!"
That was about a year ago. Hannah Beth has wanted a dog since forever ago. We promised her that she could get one for her birthday, or Christmas. When I was declared sick on March 28, 2009, those hopes were deferred. Then, we were offered Sugar. So, we made the promise. Hannah Beth would get a dog on June 26, 2010. Oh, for a 5 year old, this last year was a long time to wait for such a prize!
June 9, 2010
"Sugar is no longer with us," the owner told me.
I almost didn't hear the explanation. My heart dropped. Hannah Beth would be crushed. Mommy and Daddy will have to break a promise to her. How am I going to explain this? My heart was crushed. I was so excited to see the delight in Hannah Beth and Aiden's eyes when they were given our new family addition. Everything in me wanted to just burst out in tears. Really?
"A woman came who recently lost her dog and Sugar just jumped in her lap. They had a connection right away," she continued.
I totally get the connection. I do. BUT...who is going to collect the broken pieces of my child's heart up when we break this news to her? She has been talking about Sugar NONSTOP and literally every day since CHRISTMAS. This is a long time for a child. I can beat cancer, but damn it! I can't do this to Hannah Beth. This totally sucks!
Thank you, Lord, that I had to get off the phone to see my physical terrorist. I wiped the tears away and walked into her office. We talked about it a bit. Cresta let me know that the Williamson County Animal Shelter euthanizes. As soon as my hour was up, I called Raymond and explained the last hour and a half of our drama to him.
As we watched T.V., I searched for dogs on CraigsList and the Williamson County Animal Shelter websites. We decided to the the Shelter thing for obvious reasons. It would set us back $75, which we didn't have, but we needed to make good on as much of our promise as possible. We would go on Friday.
June 10, 2010
"I'm so excited to get Sugar!" Hannah Beth's words pierced straight through my heart. Literally, my chest started to hurt, my stomach turned and I had to focus in order to not throw up. I knew I needed to give this to the Lord, because of my condition (adrenal insufficiency). This was one of those things in life that just happens. I was making too much out of it. I needed to just let it go.
"Raymond, we have to tell her. I can't let her go on about S-U-G-A-R," I whispered. It was wrong. She would continue to talk about it.
He shot the idea down once, twice, finally...I broke him. He said okay. Do you ever wear your husband down so you can get the answer you want? Don't! If he has the wisdom to say no, just trust it! So, we told her.
She was sooo brave! Her big blue eyes welled up with tears as we told her about Sugar. Her lip quivered, and finally she could not hold back the emotion. She lost it! She just cried and cried and cried. I had to leave Ray and Maw Maw to pick up the broken pieces of her heart to go teach.
As I rushed out the door, Ray and I decided we would go to the shelter after I taught and before I had my treatment. Then, if I still had any energy left, I would try to work at Eddie Bauer Outlet.
Long story longer, I was stuck at school! I couldn't find the lesson plans (that I had been using all morning long) anywhere. I printed them to the copier in the workroom which was in a room far far away from me. I crammed all my stuff I needed to take care of this weekend into my bag, hoping it wouldn't get too heavy. When I arrived, the copier light was on to let me know that there was NO PAPER! NICE! I'm totally stressing now. My plans are due, my daughter needs a dog and I need to get to the infusion center for treatment! "This is so NOT happening to me!" I screamed it so loud in my head that I was secretly embarrassed for getting upset over a dumb lesson plan! As the resourceful teacher that I am, I grabbed a poo worksheet that I knew I wouldn't use and gently placed the two pieces of paper into the slot. The copy was made! Except, it copied right on top of the print of the worksheet! Are you freaking kidding me! I went to the computer lab, because it was closer.
I'll spare the details...it wouldn't print. I started to cry and wondered, can I teach? Is this going to kill me? I'm not supposed to get stressed because of the damned adrenal insufficiency. I've already been showing the signs of needing more cortisone. The nausea is becoming unbearable, my tremors are coming and going and I have NO energy left. My oncologist and nutritionist have explicitly and firmly explained I must control my diet, exercise and stress.
Stress can cause the cancer to come back. I used to be able to say, "Ugh! I'm so stressed!" That's not an option for me anymore. When I'm stressed, I'm consumed by fear that this damned monster is coming back to take me away from my husband, children, Mom, Dad, sisters and brothers! This is all running through my head when a golden light bulb goes off in my little brain. I could e-mail it to my principal! Duh! I wiped the tears away, asked the Lord for peace and strength and began my trek to the car. Of course, Amanda, the WONDERFUL person and principal that she is. asked me how I was. I did confide in her that I was stressed over getting the lesson plans to her. She alleviated my anxiety over that quickly!
1:00
Raymond, Denny, (Maw Maw and Paw Paw's $75) and I travel to the shelter. Those dogs are so sweet. Lady immediately drew me in. She was a five year old heeler mix and very shy and skittish. Then, we saw Princess. She is a 4 month old terrier mix. She had the build of a terrier, but had a red brindle coat with big ears! She had just had surgery. Ray, Denny and I discussed our options, but had to leave in order to get me to my Herceptin treatment.
2:30-5:00
Ray is badgered by his wife on the specifics of what he is doing every moment that I am away. He decided to get her that night because she would be at risk for infection at the shelter. I was so excited. I wouldn't be able to see Aiden's reaction to her, but I might be able to see Hannah Beth's because she was at Granny's still.
7:00
I lie to my employer and tell them I'm feeling okay, but would like a break. The last 24 hours have taken everything out of me. I knew I needed to suck it up, pull up my boots and cowgirl up! I called Hannah Beth to see how her day with Granny and Emily was going. "We have a surprise for you when you get home tomorrow!"
"I know, Momma. It's a dog. I heard you and Daddy talking about it. I swam underwater and grabbed the stuff off the ground of the pool!"
Oh, Hooray! She is so excited about her accomplishments, that she seems to be doing well with the whole Sugar thing! I have to boast about my child for a moment...In the last week she has, worn shorts, socks and shoes, a princess dress, swam underwater, jumped into a pool, and played in a pool without asking for a towel every minute to wipe her eyes! We have taken this child for sensory integrating therapy (then they said it was behavioral) because these things were impossible just last week! She has come so far!
OOOOOWEEEEEEEE! I am all over the place on this blog...I'll claim chemo brain and continue...
10:30PM
I'm so excited to see our Princess, that I can't even open our front door! I wondered if Ray really did get her, because she didn't bark when I came in. Finally! I found her in the kitchen. She was just so sweet with those big brown eyes! I sat with her a bit and just pet her, talked to her. She just kissed and kissed and kissed me! We went outside to explore and hopefully potty (Princess, not me!).
She sat on my lap and at my feet while I worked on school stuff. She got up a couple of times to explore the room. She attempted to chew on one of Aiden's toys. She stopped immediately with a quick, "tsst" from her Mommy! I laid the work aside and just held her and pet her for another 15 minutes before I went to bed. She went back into her little bed in the kitchen.
I noticed my allergies were acting up. I was exhausted, but knew I needed a shower. As I washed my face and hands, I realized exactly what I was allergic to~Princess. Damn it, damn it, damn it! Immediately I knew my immune system would be compromised if we kept our new family member. I flipping HATE CANCER! NOW, my family can't even have a dog because of me! This is ridiculous! Princess's cries interrupted my pity party. Thank God! I have a reason to not like her! She cries and barks at night! I walked into the hallway (I'm upstairs, she is downstairs in the kitchen.) and simply "Tssst" her one time. We didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night. She was just trying to tell me she goodnight, sweet little thing. NOW, I don't have a reason to not like her! I cried...(Crying physically hurts me. It causes my chest to spasm and the only way to stop it is to not cry, or take drugs. I don't like drugs, I'm already cloudy-headed and don't need any more hindrances. I've been holding back on crying for some time now. The well is full and spilling more often now.)
Pain woke me up again. The idea of seeing Aiden's big blues and taking him to see Princess motivated me to stretch out the pain and start my day. Aiden was just a readin' his little book in his bed (upside-down!) when I came to him.
"Are you better, Mommy?" If I answered yes to Aiden's question, his next question would be can you carry me. I had to say, no, not yet. Thank God for Maw Maw (and Paw Paw for living without her for a month!). She always steps in and carries him for me. We rushed (Okay, to be honest, it was more like gingerly stepped, while gripping the rail for dear life!) downstairs to see Princess.
We took her outside to go potty. She had already messed on the floor, so I knew she probably wouldn't get the potty outside thing yet. Aiden let her kiss his hands, cry "yuck!", then he'd wash them, cry "yuck!", let her kiss them, cry "yuck!" and then wash them, let her kiss them, cry "yuck!", and then wash them. It was adorable.
"I'm not saying good-bye to Princess," I choked to Ray as I left for school. I cried half the way there. I knew I had to get this under control. I just knew HB would be crushed and it was my fault! I was having to take extra steroids and some anti-nausea meds to get me through this. She is a dog! Really!?!?! I'm upset about a dog that I spent 3 hours with last night? I tried to talk myself down. Yeah, I'm a dog lover, so that whole it's just a dog routine doesn't fly with me.
Hashing out lesson plans kept me occupied for 2 1/2 hours. Kim rocks! We tackled it well together. I was excited about that. I so miss teaching. I just don't miss the stress of it all. I'm still praying about all that.
Running errands kept me occupied for another 2 hours until I had to clock in at EB. Ray took Princess back to the shelter that will euthanize her if she is not adopted out. To add insult to injury, the shelter charged us $25 to return her. Those A#%holes! Are you freaking kidding me? We paid $100 to have our hearts broken by a dog that we had for less than 24 hours! That's total SHIT! I'm sorry, for cursing, but it is! Seriously, they already have a bad rap for their treatment of the animals. There is no grace for somebody that did NOT know they were allergic to dogs to bring back a dog that could potentially kill her! SERIOUSLY! I'm so ticked, I could just spit!
My girlfriend, Carol Ann called. Oh, thank you, Jesus! I have been so consumed by this novela that I can't even see straight! She and I talked as I drove to work. She was so kind, and compassionate. I share the saga with her. She prayed for me. Now, it was up to me to let it go and trust that God really does know what He is doing and He really is in control!
I cratered a couple of times while I was at work, but was able to compose myself. Seriously, my chest and arm were telling me to stop this nonsense! I didn't want to tell anybody at work, because I didn't want to go home!
So, here I am spilling my heart out on this blog for two hours in the middle of the morning because I'm in pain. I honestly don't know which is worse, my heartache, or the physical pain from crying as I type this.
Today is a new day. His mercies are new every morning. I hope Hannah Beth is not angry with me because we can't have Princess. I hope Princess gets a home. I didn't know I'd want this dog as much as Hannah Beth! Lord, please help me face her today.
Lord, I know this is more than broken promises. I'm sad because I've been sick for so long. I am constantly reminded by my body that I cannot do what I did before. My brain is so much slower. I just can't remember things. I've taken so much out of my entire family and my friends emotionally, physically, time and financially. What will you have me do? I think I'll just sit with you awhile...