I am beautiful.

Every woman has an inner strength hidden deep inside of her . Each woman must choose how she will obtain it. She can grasp onto it by sheer will power, or she can call on the One who placed that strength within her.

Today, the Lord has been listening closely to the prayers of the saints. His eyes have been running to and fro across the ends of the earth to strongly support those who's hearts are wholey his. Thank you, saints, for praying.

Two weeks ago, I was plagued with fear. Mom and many others endured listening to my fears of looking all 'matrixy'. Secretly, I was petrified at the sight of my chest being maimed. God is good. He has replaced these fears with peace. I'm ready to walk with my head held high, knowing my Jesus has everything under control. I will not walk in fear. He makes all things beautiful in his time. I am beautiful. I am beautiful in His sight. That's all that matters.

Surgery

Here are the details of the surgery...

What: Bilateral mastectomy, removal of lymph nodes and insertion of expanders
Where: St. David's Hospital in Georgetown
When: Noon, Thursday, September 24, 2009
Why: I've never asked why...Just know this is where I'm walking and I'm NEVER alone.

It is a bilateral mastectomy. This means that both breasts will be removed. Dr. Scissorhands (Dr. Russell) will also take out my lymph nodes. Dr. Staebel (My plastic surgeon who doesn't have a nickname YET.) will place expanders in when Dr. Scissorhands finishes.

We (No, I'm NOT Cybil, my family and I) need to be at Georgetown Hospital by 10AM. Surgery starts at noon and is expected to take 3-4 hours. (If I remember correctly.) Dr. Scissorhands expects me to stay in the hospital for 2-3 days.

Mom is taking me to her "Granny Spa" to heal up while Ray's Mom takes over at our house beginning on Saturday. My baby brother, Brad is here to until Sunday for anything we need. (Tee Hee...Brad, do you remember us sneaking around the house like detectives or something and you would say, "Okay, Boss," in that silly voice. I am tickled right now recalling that...) He'll be taking Hannah Beth to and from school for us and whatever else the boss wants. uh oh...I'm digressing as I shiver.

Details...details...OH! For all my prayer buddies: Lymphodema (I have no clue how to spell it and I'm too tired to care right now.) is a condition that is a possibility post surgery. I'll spare you the explanation right now. It is something I do NOT want. It is painful and once you have it, you have it for life...so it's a bad guy!

I'm tired and have tons of preparation ahead of me tomorrow. Thank you for praying.

ABC...F..U

*WARNING* If you are one of my former students...please let your mom or dad read this before going any further, please. It is full of negativity and profanity. Love, Mrs. Rivet...Uh, the same goes for you too, May, Alli-Roo and Ki-Ki!

Okay! Please know that I LOVE JESUS, but I have a total potty mouth right now. I just want to get this out. This is where I am at this moment.

I'm ready for Dr. Scissorhands to remove these things on my chest. I truly love my surgeon! He is the most compassionate man and doctor ever! Dr. Russell is so wonderful. The three incisions he made in the first 2 surgeries are minimal. I know the cuts he will be making will be much greater. I also know that he is NOT going into the room alone. The very Hands of God will be guiding his hands. So, there is no fear in me right now.

I am pissed off though! I've been pissed all night long! These girls have turned on me and I want the bitches off! I hate cancer and what it does to women physically and emotionally. I hate that 1 in 7 women are diagnosed with breast cancer. I pray that I'm taking the hit for my family and my sisters, nieces and Mom will NOT have to go through this. I hate the toll it takes on my family! I hate the financial burden it has been on my ENTIRE family!

The absolute frickin' worst dang part of this whole thing is the recovery. F* U*, cancer for making me have these danged surgeries that strip me of the ability to hold my children for who knows how long. I want to be able to see and hold my children. I know Hannah Beth will be able to lay beside me. She has been so good through the first 2 surgeries. Oh, but my sweet little monkey won't be able to do that. Aiden has been such great JOY to me that I can't imagine being apart from him. He's kept me laughing these last few weeks I've had the days alone with him. This absolutely breaks me.

Jehovah Jireh

"Oh No!" Aiden cries out as he hurls a pea across the dining room table. He is so stinking cute when he does it. He exclaims, "Oh NO!" in such a sweet voice that it is nearly impossible to correct him.

"Food goes in your mouth or on your plate, please, Sir," I correct in my best firm teacher voice. Then I realize, I don't have that same stern voice I used to have.

God is doing something in me. I think He is granting my request of more of Him and less of me. As of now, I believe that I won't be able to be a classroom teacher again due to the stress. God has given me the grace to accept that. I just don't know what He will have me do next. I LOVE teaching. I LOVE my kiddos! That fire in my heart for the nations is still strong. At the same time, I know this little thing called cancer has given me new perspectives on just about everything.

When you fight a booger like cancer, God just gives you strength and courage. When you start to shake, He brings family and friends alongside of you to lift you up. Some moments are harder than others. Sometimes it's just the Big JC and me in the shower... as I sing, "Shout to the Lord, Shout to the Lord, Shout to the Lord of Hosts. It breaks a heavy yoke, It breaks a heavy yoke when you shout, you shout to the Lord!"

Other times it's a phone a friend that is teaching you to scream, "Fuck you, cancer!" Thank you, Michelle! I love you just the way you are! Then there are moments when you call your bestie to hold your hair back as you spew into the porcelain god. (And it sucks when you do it over and over and you aren't even pregnant!)

Then you cry out to God, "I can't do this, I really need help. I miss my mom!" The next day, He has your sister call and be that help. He has friends from GHS write you specific prayers that they are praying...and they are praying exactly what I've been praying...even the same words!!!! He even has people I haven't even met *until 8/22* send you a 100 cards of encouragement and blessing. Then they pray over you and you realize HOLY JESUS! She is an intercessor that totally knows how to get down and war in the heavens for you! YES LORD!

I started this posting 3 days ago. It was getting so long. So many people have been incredible blessings to us that I felt that I shouldn't post the entire thing. I didn't want to miss anybody. I cut it off at this point, because I started naming people. I want to thank everybody individually. I just know that I won't be able to remember every name right now. Thank you everybody for being the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus extended to my family and I during this season in our lives.

One lesson that I obviously had not learned until tltcc is that God WILL MEET MY EVERY NEED. He is Jehovah Jireh. He will make sure that my husband, daughter and son are taken care of when I can't. He will do it with or without me asking out loud to a person. He will use people to accomplish what I can't. It's truly amazing.

Yee Haw!

Today I woke up with bed head! Yippeee!

Last night, as I was praying, I swore I heard somebody in our house. Of course, those of you who know me know that I immediately started trippin'! You would think that since I was all up in the Big JC's lap, that I wouldn't have any fear...Then I saw shadows. Then I started singing that song by Misty Edwards, it's only a shadow, only a shadow. Somebody was definitely in our house. In my best Indian stealth tip toe, I entered Hannah Beths' room. She was getting herself all comfy.

"Oh, hey, Momma! I just went potty and I am going back to bed now." explained my way too grown up five year old.

Are you kidding me? You got up on your own, did not wake me up to help you with lights, and now you are voluntarily going back to bed. Should I offer my bed to her since she is so grown up? She is such a cuddler! I resisted the temptation and thanked Jesus that our night stalker was a princess going potty all by her grown up self!

Oh, but there's more!

1. Aiden, my boy child who does not cuddle...has done nothing but cuddle with me the last two days. I even get an occasional kiss...YES, Gramma...on the lips...I know you are cringing right now! He even took the pacifier out to kiss me! YUM SLOBBERY KISSES!


2. I was able to mop the kitchen floor!


3. I pulled weeds from my flower bed for 10 minutes.


4. I steam cleaned our carpet.


5. I laughed at the thought of me in a plastic surgeon's office holding a boobie in my hand...I never thought I'd do that!
   
6. I'm happy to have needed to shave my legs. It makes me feel girly to have to do these grown up things!


7. Have I mentioned that Hannah Beth is going to the BEST school ever?!?! God, I love every person who works and volunteers in that building....crazy mad love them!

There's more I'm sure of it. Mom said I needed to write some of the good stuff down on my blog. How am I doing so far, Mom?

Oh...I couldn't sleep the other night and my girlfriend, Lorie, wrote me a lullaby:

Rock a bye Alicia in the tree top, when the wind blows the steroids will stop; when the bough breaks the cancer will fall and Jesus will catch you hair loss and all.

Is that not the CUTEST!?! She probably thought of it in less than 3 seconds. Yes, she got all the creative genes!

OH...and this is how I have been spending my days:

Aiden loves to play with shoes! Aiden's new trick is climbing into this bookshelf~

This happened while I was sleeping. Daddy fed Aiden Spaghetti! Aiden is resting on his silky and using Hannah Beth's silky. He really, really, really wanted to have her's cover him up. Thank you, Sue, for the beautiful silky! It's made for a Princess and a Prince.

184

"Who is that? Where did my body go? Is she in there somewhere?" I inquired of the puffy eyed person staring at me. She didn't respond. Ignoring me didn't help my self esteem, I mustered up the courage to ask again. This time my voice started to crack as I held the tears back.

"Have you seen Alicia, Lisa, Ladders, Laddy, Mrs. Rivet, Rivet? She has been called lots of names, perhaps you have heard of her. She loves Jesus, her family and friends. She is a teacher and a learner. Please, I need to find her!"

That *@#! had the audacity to refuse any type of response. She just stood there mocking me with every word that came out of my mouth. Her chin jiggled as she mimicked my every move. That is disgusting, I thought to myself. Thank you, Lord that she has her clothes on, because that belly looks bigger than the great Saint Nick!

Since I was diagnosed with this little thing called cancer, I made a decision. I decided that I would not allow this steal my joy. I am learning to pull myself away from people like this crazy woman that keeps making fun of me!

"You are not being nice, so I'm going to step away from you now," I politely explained to her.

As I turned away, I caught something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to face her for the last time. There was something familiar about her eyes. They reminded me of my Mom, Sandy. I know those eyes! They are mine! Great! That's me! Oh for crying in the night! I have something else to bring my can of whoop butt on! It is on like Donkey Kong!

I have never questioned tltcc. I've always kind of known in my heart of hearts that I need to walk through this for somebody else. I can't explain it. (I think that's why I was so upset that I couldn't be part of a study that would help others in the future with their treatment.) I just have been okay with all of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy the whole poison, slash and burn process. I do know that Jesus will get the glory. His plan and purposes are perfect for me. I don't know what they are yet, but let me tell you, I am inquiring of the Lord..."Please, give me the desires of Your heart, God. Show me where You want me. I want to walk with You and no other place."

He reminded me of this:

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1Cor 9:26-27

I am certainly no preacher! I surely do have a heart for the nations, though. I will keep fighting alongside every single person that is fighting with me!

So, when I complain about the massiveness of my body, I will hold onto this scripture. I am writing these excuses down, so that I will get them out of my head and lay them to rest.

1. It's only a number.
2. It's because of the steroids.
3. It's not a big deal right now.
4. It will come off quickly.
5. It's water retention.
6. It's all these people's fault! They keep bringing this amazing food. Somebody has to eat it.

The fact of the matter is I am HUGE! Hello...when one's neck is as big as one's head...it can't be a good thing.I am five feet, two and three quarters inches tall! I am not big boned. I look like a cross between Jabba the Hut, and an Oompa Loompa.

RIP excuses! Alicia is rising up and standing on the Rock!