Hannah Beth and Aiden burst through the church doors as excited-out-of-control kids sometimes do. Hannah Beth left Aiden half running, half falling behind her. Ray helped me in. The joy of celebrating the 2010 Wonders and Worries Christmas Party with my family outweighed the pain and nausea that gripped me. They hopped from craft to craft making friends along the way. I tried desperately to keep up, to stand up, to walk. THEN THE PIZZA ARRIVED. I had to intercept the milk ridden pizza from the mouth of my sweet boy. They always had snacks to accommodate him. We passed up the pizza and cookies, but offered him some other snack that eludes this chemo brain of mine now.
Hannah Beth chose to sit on the ground rather than at the table and chairs. WTF, I thought.
A. How will I get down there?
B. How will I stay down there?
C. How will I get up?
A little man was bee-bopping around his mom, dad and brother. He quickly distracted me from my conundrum. He was hilarious. As his mother wrangled him in, I asked her how old he was. He was the same age as Aiden. She introduced herself, Todd, Sam and Luke. We traded the several battles we endured during our war. I had met several strong women within my two year fight and recovery, but none who had as many complications as me. It was nice to meet somebody that was willing to lay her heart out so quickly to me. Breast Cancer Sisterhood does that to a person.
We were both Pink Ribbon Cowgirls and figured out pretty quickly that we had a mutual friend, Kathryn. She knew Kathryn VERY well as they were diagnosed within a week of each other and went through "chemo orientation" together. Kathryn and I met through a Livestrong class. Both of these women are the kind that never meet a stranger. They both have a laugh that makes YOU laugh. You know the kind that you can't forget? The kind that is bringing a Kool-Aid-Kid smile to my face as I type. Through this thing called cancer, all three of us were instantly drafted into the infantry.Through this thing called cancer, we were bonded by love, courage, strength and above all HOPE.
We barely noticed where we were and why were there! Todd and Ray had both done a great job of keeping the kids busy why we continued to talk. This woman, who's name I had already forgotten and I kept talking as our husbands patiently busied our kiddos with the festivities. Our husbands had to practically organize an intervention to stop our conversation. Reluctantly, I left and refocused on my beautiful children who were bursting with energy driven by sugar, carbs and SANTA!
Before I knew it, the staff and volunteers began to pack up the decorations and left-over crafts. We walked out the door, my heart was full. My sweet kids had an absolute blast, my husband was tired and happy, and I was able to come! God brought another woman into my life that knew my heart before I spoke. She knew the constant pain and unending struggle to keep on fighting for EVERYTHING.
As we loaded up in the truck, Ray commented on the family we just met. I only remembered Sam and Luke's names. Within a split second, I was disappointed with the effects of chemo on my brain. How is it that I can meet somebody that I truly enjoy company with and forget their name? Who does that!?!? Ray consoled me for not being able to remember the names of the woman and her husband. Thank God, we traded our digits and e-mail addresses! I popped a Zofran, Meclizine, Compazine (anti-nausea), and a Norco (pain) for the ride home. I looked down at the napkin as we drove home, "Kristi Appenzeller..."
Thursday, August 30
Monday, August 27
Sand Dollars and Rainbows
The anticipation of salty air when I approach a beach equals the belly laughter of a child to me. I can taste it. Like apple pie is to many Americans, the beach offers me a comfort and happiness that comes from home. It is the one place I can enjoy the true beauty of God's creation, count my blessings, release my anger, conquer my anxieties and endure heartbreak. It is one place I NEVER have trouble finding hope.
I was given the opportunity to live in Pismo Beach, California for the first 6 months of 2001. It was a time of complete chaos, pain, and daily torment for me...BUT I lived in a condo just two blocks from the beach. The sound of the waves would lull me to sleep and gently wake me in the morning. The salty air saturated every part of me.
Each day ran I through the damp sand. With every stride, I tested God:
"If you are really here, if you really exist, I need a sign. If I find a whole sand dollar without blemish, then I know you are who you say you are. I know that your promises are true. I know you will deliver me from this evil man that torments me daily."
Every single day, I would drop my son (my only reason for living) off for school during the week. I would wake up before my husband and son (who I loved with every fiber of my being) on the weekends in search for that damn sand dollar. In light of my circumstances, I KNEW He would let me down. I KNEW this faith in Christ Jesus had to be a fluke, because He couldn't possibly allow the nightmare that I was living to continue. I KNEW it was inevitable that I would live in shame and torment for the rest of my life until I was killed by the hands of the man I loved.
That damn sand dollar appeared during that 2 1/2 mile stretch of beauty every single frickin' day! Still, I tested this God who said He was Love. So, I ran faster. A sand dollar would show up. I stopped looking down while running. A sand dollar would appear as I was catching my breath. I allowed my bare feet to go deeper and deeper into the water as I ran. That damn sand dollar still showed up under 6 inches of water. I must have met the entire extended family, friends and their sand dollar dogs of that first stupid sand dollar!
I was afraid to bring them home. I didn't want to let on that a hope was rising within me. My body was getting stronger and so was I. My fear diminished. Slowly the fighter in me was created. I had hope and I put my trust back into the Hands of God.
In June, He did in fact deliver me. I lost the my son, who I believe kept me alive. I gained a renewed relationship with the Lord that would give me an unwavering strength to live. I slowly began to understand that it was Jesus who kept me alive. He used the intercession of my friends and family and the love of my son to do it. He orchestrated the perfect way for me to be removed from this shameful life that I was trapped in.
To be continued...
I was given the opportunity to live in Pismo Beach, California for the first 6 months of 2001. It was a time of complete chaos, pain, and daily torment for me...BUT I lived in a condo just two blocks from the beach. The sound of the waves would lull me to sleep and gently wake me in the morning. The salty air saturated every part of me.
Each day ran I through the damp sand. With every stride, I tested God:
"If you are really here, if you really exist, I need a sign. If I find a whole sand dollar without blemish, then I know you are who you say you are. I know that your promises are true. I know you will deliver me from this evil man that torments me daily."
Every single day, I would drop my son (my only reason for living) off for school during the week. I would wake up before my husband and son (who I loved with every fiber of my being) on the weekends in search for that damn sand dollar. In light of my circumstances, I KNEW He would let me down. I KNEW this faith in Christ Jesus had to be a fluke, because He couldn't possibly allow the nightmare that I was living to continue. I KNEW it was inevitable that I would live in shame and torment for the rest of my life until I was killed by the hands of the man I loved.
That damn sand dollar appeared during that 2 1/2 mile stretch of beauty every single frickin' day! Still, I tested this God who said He was Love. So, I ran faster. A sand dollar would show up. I stopped looking down while running. A sand dollar would appear as I was catching my breath. I allowed my bare feet to go deeper and deeper into the water as I ran. That damn sand dollar still showed up under 6 inches of water. I must have met the entire extended family, friends and their sand dollar dogs of that first stupid sand dollar!
I was afraid to bring them home. I didn't want to let on that a hope was rising within me. My body was getting stronger and so was I. My fear diminished. Slowly the fighter in me was created. I had hope and I put my trust back into the Hands of God.
In June, He did in fact deliver me. I lost the my son, who I believe kept me alive. I gained a renewed relationship with the Lord that would give me an unwavering strength to live. I slowly began to understand that it was Jesus who kept me alive. He used the intercession of my friends and family and the love of my son to do it. He orchestrated the perfect way for me to be removed from this shameful life that I was trapped in.
To be continued...
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