It takes a village

It really does take a village to raise the Rivet family. I don't know how to thank all of you for filling in our shoes for our children.

The cancer, chemo, nausea, pain, surgeries don't bother me so much. The painful part of my journey is my incapacity to take care of my babies.

Thank you, Mom, Dad, Karri, Shannon, Rachel, Mean Barbie, and Lorie! Y'all have stepped in to love on our babies when we can't. Mason, Hannah Beth and Aiden had a blast with y'all. Thank you for the priceless pictures, Lorie!

Just look at my boys! Mr. Mason~ YOU are so big, that I know I can't call you my baby anymore. Thank you for playing with my Little Man Aiden! Mason, you are a treasure to your mother and me!

Hannah Beth had a blast with Lucky...even if she did call him Buddy the whole time! Thank you for sharing your puppy with our kiddos! NOW Hannah Beth wants a dog! It's her birthday this month...if anybody gets the CRAZY idea of getting her a dog....DON'T~ We can't afford one yet!

Although I am out of my mind on all these meds, I am so very thankful for my amazing family and incredible friends. You all are my heroes. You all are so brave for me. Thank you! Thank you for making sure that Hannah Beth and Aiden are loved, nurtured, and played with!

As If!?!?

As if the abysmal vortex of nausea is NOT enough for me to endure!

Hello for the vertigo! Vertigo! Really!?!? Vertigo REALLY!

Apparently I am so special that I get to go through chemo and vertigo at the same time! Woo Hoo! I always knew I was special for some reason. Obviously my purpose is to confound the wise men with my super duper special powers of getting completely and utterly sick!

Sick defined by Merriam Webster:
affected with disease or ill health, queasy, nauseated
Nausea defined by Merriam Webster:
a stomach distress with distaste for food and an urge to vomit

Distress, really!?!? Distress! That is what I'm feeling!? Distress!?!? I think this goes just a teensy weensy bit beyond distress! How about MAY DAY<> ALICIA IS CRASHING! Seriously!

Last Thursday and Friday, I went in for infusion of fluids and anti-nausea meds. I was good for Friday right afterwards. Then Saturday night came. Actually it was Sunday Morning at 3AM. I simply have a huge disdain for nausea. Monday came and went very gingerly for me. I layed like broccoli most of the day a prayed to go to sleep. Sleep finally came for 6 hours. WOW! That is HUGE!

Tuesday came...spinning, nausea, vortex of terror! It had made it's way back into my head and body. YES, I typed HEAD! The vertigo starts with my allergies, having something to do with my ears and boom...shacka...lacka I am disco dancing without moving a muscle!

Mom and Dad took me in for an infusion. I didn't comprehend how bad I was until Tracy (My lovely pregnant nurse.) looked at me. Her face said it all. I did not look well. She added meclizine and a transderm scop patch to fight the vertigo. Long story, longer.....

If I can't get fluids in, it's bad. I have to be able to eat and drink or I could be hospitalized. I do NOT want to be hospitalized. Please pray for this vertigo and nausea to subside. I'd really like to be part of the land of the living. I want to see my children and play with them. Thank you!

The Worst

Nausea...the room is spinning, but I'm lying still, I think. No, something moved. It was Ray, he finally came to bed.

It's 3 AM. Oh how I want to be sympathetic to his pain and needs, but I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm even angry at him for not taking his sleeping pill. If he took it, maybe he wouldn't have moved at this precise second to wake me up to this body of mine. (Seriously, who gets mad at their husband because he is in pain. It's not his fault...Crappy wife...I have become!)

Is something on top of me? The pain shoots through my entire body. It's not shooting. It's constant. It's not getting any worse, because this is the most pain I've ever experienced. The pain is deep within the tiniest tissues of my body and exploding to my epidermis. Something must be on my chest. It is crushing me.

Damn this nausea. Stop moving world! Please for one second! I have to pee, and actually contemplate peeing in the bed because the pain and nausea are just too unbearable. GOD, help me....

He did. I went potty, made it downstairs to my phone. On the other end was my MOM.

"This is the worst. It's the worst it's been. I can't describe how this flu-like pain is overtaking every part of my body. I can't bear the nausea. It's so much worse than morning sickness. It won't stop. I can't think."

I don't know what she said, but she was there. Her voice, like only Mom's voice can do, steadied me through bottles of medicine before me. Thank you, HES for causing me to be tedious about monitoring notes. My spreadsheet of meds, amounts, times, and spaces to write copious notes made it easier. "I don't want to go Heath Ledger. I'm writing it all down and keeping the bottles out just in case."

Mom sent dad. My dad...today, I will say My DADDY came to stay with me through the hardest night of my life. Brad was with me too...with the iPod don't touch! The LORD will fight for you. You need only to be still engraved with all my brother's love...Thank God! Because I can't move! Thank you, Mom, Dad, and Brad!

My new Besty

Everybody has 'best friends'. There is one friend that surpasses them all! She is confident, understanding, supportive, patient, and glorious! (I stole that last adjective from Bully! He used that to describe his Mom yesterday in his Mother's Day card!)

This Besty has been around for quite some time. Poor old lady! She can't get rid of me! I came as a package when she met my Dad! You see, I discovered my new Besty recently when I was diagnosed with this little thing called cancer.

She's crazy, my mom, that is! She really is. She has this way about her you know. She just forgets all about herself and thrusts herself in the middle of a burning house without hesitation. She doesn't care about herself! Well she does, only enough so that she can be healthy and well enough to take care of everybody else!

What is it about a Mom defending her children? Moms are so strong, aren't we? But, WOW! I've seen my mother fight! My mother is powerful! Oh, but I've watched her break into millions of pieces over us kids! What a rotten bunch we are! We bring her joy, but each time we are hurt, she hurts with us. Her heart has broken with ours when we have been crushed by those who said they loved us and then chose not to anymore. She has stopped everything in her life on so many occasions, just to be available to us. She has taken care of us during illness and injury, watched our kids, cleaned our houses, cooked food, bought groceries....it's endless....actually pointless for me to attempt to write what she does for us. This time it's different. There isn't a person that has caused this hurt.

Mom has been fighting ferociously since March 27, 2009. She left California immediately to be by my side. She told me I would ultimately have to be the one to fight this, but she would be with me each step of the way! Mom is doing everything she can to defend me from cancer. It is here. The battle is on. We are fighting.

Recently, with all the surgeries, tests, chemo treatments, and doctor's appointments, I've met a new person. She's been around the whole time. She's my Mom! I mean, I've known my Mom since I was like 5. I've always liked her (with the exception of a few moments when I was in the wrong). I've always loved her. She's always been fun. I've always considered her to be a friend. She's more than a friend though! I really, really enjoy being with her, even if we don't aren't speaking. She's my friend. She's my never-leave-me-behind-soldier. She's my new Besty!
I LOVE YOU, MOM!

Mary-Martha-Barbara

Remember the story of Mary and Martha? Alicianized short version: Mary sat at Jesus' feet and Martha cooked and served and complained. Jesus explained that Mary was doing what was right.

Have you ever met the absolute perfect combination of Mary and Martha? She does exist! I'm telling you as lemonheads are my lifeline right now, I have met the woman! Not only have I met the woman, but she is actually related to me, so I get to be with her for the rest of my life! This woman truly gets a kick out of serving others and giving to others! At the same time, she would rather spend time with family and friends than anything else in the whole wide world. Her entire world revolves around her family. WOW!

My mother-in-law, Raymond's mother is an amazing woman. She came to our home from April 7th and endured us until she had to leave on May 1st. She left her husband to fend for himself while she played sicky with us. Poor Dad! At least he learned how to do the laundry! Go DAD!

During her stay here at our infirmary, she took over our house in every way imaginable. It was like I checked out and she checked in. It was amazing, sincerely amazing. I would check the laundry...It would be done. I mean done, to the point of empty baskets, washing machine, dryer and ALL THE CLOTHES WERE PUT AWAY! OHHH but wait! There is more! She cooked every meal that was not given to us by those crazy huge hearted people at HES! She fed Aiden every meal. She woke up through the night with Aiden and Hannah Beth. She slept on a blow up mattress with Hannah Beth. She woke up with the kids and fed them breakfast before I could say, "Are you for real?!?!"

She also took care of Raymond and me. Really, she really did! She waited on that man hand and foot! She made sure that both he and I took our meds at the right time and ate with them. She gave Ray all the ice packs he needed. She bought Ray all the snacks a 7 year old would ever wish, want or desire! YES, I wrote 7! He turned 7 again with his Momma here!

The craziest thing she did though...when I had rust leaking out of me...I was completely freaking out and sick to my stomach over it. She remained cool as a cucumber and encouraged me the whole time:

Me: "OMG! It's so disgusting! My intrails are becoming my extrails all over the bathroom floor! OMG!"

Mom: "It's alright. It's nothin', I can clean it up. Don't worry 'bout it, Bay!"

Me: "I can't do this! This is crazy. RUST, MOM! Rust! Really! I'm rusting out of my body! I can't do this! I'm telling you this is so sick! I can't do this!"

Mom: "Yes you can. It's going to be okay, Bay. You can do this, Bay!"

Me: "MOM! I"m rusting all over the place. Why!?!? This can't be normal. It's all over the floor!"

Mom: "Looka! It's easy to clean. I can wash the rug and that. Don't worry, Bay!"

Me: "OMG, Mom! You are seeing my round parts of all my body! You are going to go blind for sure!"

Mom: "Bay, don't worry 'bout it. It doesn't bother me. It's gonna be okay."

Me: (In my head I prayed, Lord, please don't let her go blind because of the things she has had to endure today. Dad needs her whole when he gets her back!...AND I WAS TOTALLY SERIOUS!)

Just hearing her New Orleans dialect in that calm voice made me realize that I was going insane. I didn't want to take her with me. She was so strong during the times that I completely fell apart. It happened on several occasions. There were so many complications after both of my surgeries. Mom was my rock here at the house. Even though I turned into a 7 year old, she took care of me and NEVER made fun of me!

My favorite thing about my mother-in-law is: She absolutely loves, loves, loves her grandchildren. She enjoys being with them. She enjoys them completely. They love her so much too! She was sooooo cute to watch feeding Aiden. He would sign, "sit" as he laughed heartily and stood up. She would just giggle uncontrollably. Okay, well I have a few more favorite things about her!

1. She is simple!

2. She loves with her whole being.

3. She enjoys serving others.

4. She never complains.

5. She always asks, "Can I get ya something?"

6. Her laugh!

7. Her smile!

8. Her ability to stay focused during tough situations. She is always an encourager.

9. She will give you everything she has and what her neighbor has if he's not looking! (Just joking! She would NEVER take anything from anybody!)

10. She listens, really listens.

11. She puts others first.

OKAY! That's just a short list of my favorite things about her!

This is my Mary-Martha-Barbara:

Proverbs 31

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Dad, thank you for allowing us to have Mom! Thank y'all both for being apart, so we could be taken care of! We know it was hard for y'all! We love you!

Just words?

Relatively easy statements I have had to say and write:
-I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.
-I have to go through chemo.
-I will have a double mastectomy.

Less easy statements I have had to say and write:
aMy family needs help.
aTrying to recall the last 6 days is like trying to remember something that happened 20 years ago. (Thank God Hannah Beth and Aiden are NOT teens yet! They could so get away with stuff right now!)
aHannah Beth, Aiden, I'm sorry, Mommy and Daddy can't go outside with you right now.

Hard statements I have had to grit my teeth to say and write:
yHannah Beth, these panties do fit. We've been to the store 3 times to get the perfect panties. You said they were perfect. Yes, you will wear them for more than just one day. :)
yI have to go through radiation.
yI won't be able to pay the entire medical bill, as we are a bit overwhelmed. May I make payment arrangements?

Unbearable statements I have had to sob and write:
rRay is still in an incredible amount of pain. Emotionally, it's taking it's toll on him because he can't take care of the kids on his own yet. I can't do anything besides pray.
rI can't teach. I don't know if I'll ever be able to teach again.
rMommy can't pick you up or hold you right now. Mommy's body hurts.

Cursing statements I have screamed:
#!Yes, I'm a woman with a bald head! It's called chemo when they pour poison into my body to kill the cancer so I can live! Why don't you say it a little louder so the entire neighborhood hear's you when you say something stupid again?!?!? (Sorry to those 3 teenage girls walking down the street that were laughing and saying, "OMG that woman's head is bald!")
#!The abysmal black hole of nausea is back, the pain is back.
#! Are you kidding me? I have to ride in a car?!?! You want me to induce the nausea voluntarily?!?!? I know it's right here in Hutto, but REALLY? A CAR!?!? REALLY!?!?! For this 8 minute excursion, I will have to take one of my $3.91 Kytrils. If that doesn't work, I will have to take a different kind of med that will KNOCK me on my mecca-lecca-high-mecca-hiney-ho when I return! (So far, this has been in my head. It usually comes out as, "Sure, I'd like to get out of the house for a bit anyways." ...which is true too! I'm worried when I won't have the decency to restrain this one.)

I know the power of life and death is in the tongue. Mrs. Glenn encouraged me to read Proverbs to help me with things like my cursing statements. She helped me find Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Oh! I don't want to be reckless! I feel so reckless! There are no such things as 'just words'. I can hurt or encourage. Lord, hold my tongue! I'd rather be silent in my heart, mind and mouth than pierce people like a sword.

Restraining Order for HES!

***BEWARE!! This is long, but my heart is overflowing. I want to define HES. HES to me, is anybody I have ever had the privilege of meeting, working with, learning with, teaching with, eating with, laughing with or crying with in those walls. Most of those people are still there, some are working in other schools, learning in other schools or admin or staying home as Mommies. HES includes my former students and their parents.***

The people at HES are certifiably loonily tunely crazy HUGE Hearted! It's all their leader's fault, I just know it! I would know, because she is my 'old' boss and I just love her to pieces! Her name is Sherri Rector! I can talk all I want about her now because I don't know if I'll be able to teach again. Pack your bags, I'm going to take you on a journey into a place where learning occurs far more than teaching! (Don't worry! I'll explain this BOLD and BRASH statement soon enough!)

"Buy the house, I'll get a job, trust me!?!?" I meant to fulfill that promise to my husband. Here I was, walking into Hutto Elementary to make good on my words! There is something about going to the Principal's office that makes me so nervous! It didn't matter that I was 29+ years old and a pretty good teacher wanting to mold young minds. I still felt like I was waiting to see how many licks I would get for writing a VERY bad word on a piece of notebook paper to my bestie Julie Kaye Crawford after an English test! (Sorry, flashbacks are worse after chemo!)...back to HES...

The interview was an interview, but not like an interviewy kind of interview. Sherri oozes warmth, love, nurturing kindness. She definitely is a servant leader kind of leader. Anybody will do anything for her. It's not because she is manipulative or commanding, but the opposite. It is because she will do it too. She lays her life down in every way for the children, parents, teachers, staff, substitutes, every person on her campus (every person she comes in contact with really). She contagiously loves to learn. (This is that explanation to the bold and brash statement I wrote earlier!) That was evident to me the first time I met her. She proved my theory over and over through the three years I was able to work with her.

"That is the woman I want to work under and for and with!" I bursted out half-crying to Raymond over the phone. I had just walked through the doors of what would soon become my second home only 1.2 miles from my new home. My first interview with Sherri was only seconds old. She let me know that she would be scheduling a second interview for me.

The next time I walked through the doors of HES was for my third and final interview. I had to hitch a ride with the construction workers across the street to get there. I realized as I was walking into the school what I really said in Spanish to them, "I'm so pregnant and I have a date at the school right now. Can you help me?" Ooops! I meant to say, I'm so embarrassed to ask for help, but I have an interview right now and I needed to be there 8 minutes ago to be 15 minutes early! HELPPPPP!

Two words, one name, one crazy-mad, selfless, fun times teacher: Lauren Anshutz! First impressions are everything! "Hello! I'm Lauren Anshutz. I'm the professional paper shredder!" My thoughts were racing, are you kidding me? I just love this one. If she's the secretary, this is gonna be CRAZY FUN! I just knew I'd fit in somehow!

Oh and it was fun times during those 3 years! It's hard work, but oh so rewarding! The children at HES are really the best. I know all HISD kiddos are great, but these are our babies under our roof, you know?!?! All my students will always be my babies, even when they are towering over me in fatigues and scary military boots hugging my sick body. (Love ya, Lorie and Mason!)

We learn at HES. It's all Sherri's fault, I'm convinced of this fact. It's more than academics though! We become interdependent. That's her fault too! In the midst of DRA's, running records, TAKS testing, GPC's, conferences, meetings, professional development...there are people! There are real live people with real live families that are entrusted with real live children. The entire staff gladly pour their lives out for these real live children! In return, we learn from these precious little ones. As the we collaborated, we learned. As we taught, we learned. Seriously, I don't know who learns more there: the teachers, or the students?!?!?

Here we are in May 2009. I stayed home with my children this year. I have a new set of rules to follow in my little life now. I'm still learning how to stay in the lines. I don't know if teaching will be in the lines yet. I've only walked through HES walls 3 times this year. Everybody there is still taking care of, loving, and praying with our family.

These crazy people have been feeding our family home-made gourmet meals with snacks and fruit, brownies, and cookies...OH THE COOKIES!!!!!!! They have been e-mailing, facebooking, calling, and coming over to our house! We just received a gift-card-a-rama that will supply us with food and gas for at least the next 6-8 weeks! If I wasn't diagnosed with cancer and Ray layed out from knee surgery, I'd think they were stalking us!!!!! Oh but it gets better! Even my former students and their PARENTS have been sending flowers, buying books for our kids, making gifts, singing songs, and even playing with our Monkey and Princess!

Somebody needs to file a restraining order! I'm concerned that the effects of children's summeritis and every body's TAKS stress may be effecting them like chemo is effecting my brain. Something has caused a deluge of generosity, unconditional love, and ever increasing encouragement. Okay, okay! I know His name is Jesus, but He most certainly is using the hands and hearts of the people at HES. WE LOVE YOU HES, EVERY SINGLE ONE!

My Rotten Red-Headed Older Brother

My Rotten Red-Headed Older Brother was written by my favorite children's book author, Patricia Polacco. In her book, she describes her relationship with her brother, Richard. They compete to be the best at, well, everything throughout the story. Patricia falls off a merry-go-round during her attempt to finally one up Richard. Her brother carried her, got a doctor, and waited at her bedside until she woke up.

My red-headed older brother's name is also RICHARD! We call him "Ty". Ty was the typical older brother. He LOVED to tease my baby brother, Brad and I to no end! He seemed to take particular pleasure in outwitting us (which was rather easy for him, because he is a genius) with his pranks. I will never forget the terror we felt when Mom would leave him in charge! We knew something would happen. NOTE: NO CHILDREN OR ANIMALS WERE EVER PHYSICALLY HARMED BY TY! He just had a knack for being able to scare the bejeebers out of us! Growing up, I would say he was ROTTEN.

Ty has never been a man of many words. He is more of an observer. When he does say something, it is something of substance. Really, he just doesn't small talk. It is just not in his make-up. He doesn't show much expression either, which is quite foreign to me! Let me paint a picture. Those of you who know my little personality and who I am, Ty is the POLAR opposite! He is calm, steady, and extremely intelligent.

Through the years, I have watched, or rather listened to his life from a distance. (He lives in another state.) I've never told him, but I've told mother several times how amazed I am at what an incredible father he is! He is like the ultimate in equipping his daughter with everything she needs to become an independent well-rounded person. At seventeen, May is grounded, not in the punitive way. Photographs can capture teeny bits of people's hearts. As you can see, May absolutely adores and loves her father.

It is difficult for me to recall what happened this past weekend. It's almost as if I am trying to remember an event from 20 years ago. It's so strange. I KNOW my whole family with the exception of Shannon, Doug, Kahler-Man and Kristen were at my mother's. Ty and May flew in for a surprise for Mom's birthday/mother's day present. Well, we had a week's notice. I know I spoke with Ty, but I don't remember what about. I know he was at the house because I have 2 very distinct recollections:

1. I was laying like broccoli in the recliner. I looked up and just saw Ty looking at me. We may have been talking. I don't know if I was already awake, eating, just waking up. I really don't know. I just remember vegging and seeing him on the couch. He was looking at me. I saw COMPASSION. It was more than compassion. That is the word I saw, but in his eyes, I saw a deep-rooted compassion that I have never seen in any body's eyes ever before. I imagine it must have been the same look Jesus had in His eyes when he looked upon the masses. I'm not saying Ty is Jesus! I'm not saying that I've never been compassionate, or that nobody has been compassionate to me. I'm just saying, I saw compassion like I've never seen it before.

2. The tsunami black hole abyss of nausea started to roll over as I was in the kitchen. It's so terrifying that it literally stops my brain. I can't think straight. I can't tell if I need medicine, food, prayer, solitude, absolute quiet. It's absolutely gut wrenching, heart wrenching and brain freezing all at once. I remember seeing first Ty's hand with the familiar Phenergan pill that would bring me back to the land of the living. My eyes traveled from his hand to his face, and then his eyes. I caught another glimpse of COMPASSION.

As a grown up, I would say Ty is NOT rotten, but full of everything a good man can be full of. Thank you, Ty and May for coming this weekend. I know I wasn't really present. We all enjoyed you, but I think I was blessed the mostest!