Confessions of a Dying Woman

Dad wept. "Yep," was all he could articulate.

Mom had just repeated the words that came out of my mouth, "The PET scan was clean. No cancer activity was found."

So there you have it. I am cancer free. I guess it's tombstone would read, "Here lies the cancer that failed to take a life. March 28, 2009-February 8, 2010." I'm NOT in remission. Remission has the prefix 're' meaning again. I will not fight this war again! I am simply cancer free.

Fighting cancer was my WWI. Battling the bulge is my WWII. Surely, if I can beat cancer, I can lose this weight. I hope. I pray. Oh, but I am dying! Yes, you read that right! I am dying...

I am dying. I am dying to...

• my idea of what a woman 'should' look like.
• bad eating habits.
• pride, selfishness and vanity.
• my belief that I have to be the best at whatever I do.
• my concepts of motherhood, teaching and working.
• everything I once thought I knew about myself.
• self-reliance.
• producing.
• independence.
• 'just being nice'. I don't want to waste any more time. If somebody is ugly to me, I hang up or turn away. I don't have time to waste on stupidity and/or stupid people.

Last year was the year of tearing my body down. It had to be done in order to defeat the enemy. In the process I lost everything that made me 'feel' like a woman. I lost my hair, eyelashes, long nails, figure, and finally my boobs.

At the same time, I gained an incredible respect and admiration for each member of my family, especially Mom. Even Hannah Beth has lived up to her name...mercy, grace, prayer and deliverer of joy. Her and Aiden inspired me to keep fighting when I was digging deep for strength.

You know that place where every part of your body hurts, the nausea can't be tamed, the room is moving and you still have to get up, get dressed, get your kids fed and off to school.  Then you hope to God you don't make a mistake with your baby as you play and care for him throughout the day?

I have the two most incredible children. They have been kind, careful and loving through this process.  I can see already that they will be absolutely incredible adults as they grow in the Lord.  What an amazing gift to be a part of their lives!

The Lord promises in His Love Letter to us:

Joel 2:24-25 (Amplified Version)

25And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten--the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you.
26And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.

The hopping locust would be the multiple surgeries.
The chemotherapy is the stripping locust.
Finally, the radiation would be the crawling locust.

He will restore my body, so I will praise His name.  He has dealt with me wondrously.  MANY people have blessed our family EXCEEDINGLY and ABUNDANTLY!  He spared my life, which I attribute to the incredible men and women who stood in the gap for me.  I am overwhelmed with a full heart of thankfulness.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, angels and warriors who have blessed us and prayed for us!