FEAR

The boobie making process is rather interesting. For me, it started on September 24, 2009. First, Dr. Russell (AKA Dr. Scissorhands, since he is only the best surgeon EVER!), made rather small incisions considering he was performing a radical bilateral (meaning both boobies) mastectomy. Once he excised the remaining cancer ridden tissue from my body, Dr. Staebel (AKA Dr. DaVinci, since he IS an ARTIST!) sewed expanders to the muscle in my now breast tissue free chest.

Expanders-Thicker plasticky outer layer than real implants that are sewn to the chest muscle. If you have breast fed, it feels like you haven't fed your baby all day long. If you have not had the pleasure of engorged milk filled breasts, the feeling resembles a charlie horse. The problem with this horse is, his name is BOB and he NEVER LEAVES!

I asked Raymond to feel my bumps (My left one is named bumpy and my right is lumpy.) He exclaimed, "They feel like steel." Yes, bumpy and lumpy are rock hard all the time! Good Times! Oh, but it gets better...

Tomorrow, I will get another fill. This is what will happen:

1. The most darling, beautiful young lady will politely greet me with, "Are you ready?" Poor Amy! She is so kind and sweet. She awaits my reply patiently.
2. "Sure! I can't wait to get stabbed again. It is my pleasure to be stabbed repeatedly!" I reply with the biggest 'Oh Please God, Don't Let It Hurt Like Last Time' grin.
3. I change into a navy blue cape that doesn't fit my ever-fluffy plump body.
4. FEAR and I battle for the few moments I wait for Dr. Staebel to enter into the room.

These literally are all the thoughts that race through my little brain:

• This is temporary.
• It doesn't have to hurt.
• Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
• Relax, relax, don't do it, when you wanna go to it...FOCUS! FOCUS!
• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.
• Okay, I'm thankful to be able to hold my children. Please, Lord don't let this hurt so bad that I can't cuddle with my babies.
• Taking deep breaths, taking deep breaths...crap! Those are shallow breaths...DEEP Breaths. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.
• Only a few more times and it will be over.
• The pain will end, eventually, it will end. It has to end.
• Oh Lord if it starts, please make it end quickly.
• You hung on that cross for a LONG time. You KNOW pain. You know pain, so could you intervene so I won't feel it, PLEASE.
• He is about to stab me in the chest, TWICE!
• This is CAKE...really, I can totally do this. The stabbing doesn't hurt, it's when I leave the office. It's all good.
• Pump up the jam, pump it up while your...Focus...My boobs are Air Nike's! Focus!
• HUGE NEEDLE...GNARLY...I can totally do this.
• "This isn't going to hurt me a bit," Dr. Staebel's humorous words ring through my head. (This was his first response to me when I asked if it was going to hurt.)
• OH, Good God in Heaven, How is it possible that I am in here doing this again? You are so with me, right?!?!
• We can do this, Jesus and me. I really want my Mom though. She's really strong.
• OK, Cowgirl UP!

Dr. Staebel enters the room with Amy or another assistant. They console me the best they can. Once I realize I can't stall the process anymore with nervous questions or humor, the expansion begins. Dr. Staebel or his assistant will roll a magnet over Bumpy and Lumpy to find each port and mark them with an 'X'. Dr. Staebel stabs me with a gargantuan needle the size of Texas. He pushes the saline water into the expander until I feel the pressure.

The pressure of the expansion is not as intense when I'm laying on the table. As soon as I sit up, I'll feel a sensation of extreme pressure. It will burn and my muscles will constrict like a Python wringing its prey. Within hours, if I do not relax, my entire chest wall, arms and back will feel the effects of FEAR.

Truly it is the fear of pain that has caused the pain. If I guard my chest. (Guarding is rolling my shoulders forward instead of purposefully holding my posture correctly with my chest out.) The aching and burning turn into intense stabbing pain the trickles down my rib cage like burning lava. Literally, it feels like liquid fire is rolling down my rib cage. Flexiril, Advil, Tramadol, Darvocet, Lortab, Norco...they mean nothing to me at this point. I am left with only one option, rest. I'll take the Advil and Flexiril in hopes that I can sleep. Finally, I am forced to take one of the pain killers.

It is at this very moment, the one where the bottle is in my hand and I open it, that I feel like I've lost my battle with Fear. Dang it! I wasn't able to relax and stretch on my own. I wasn't able to stop myself from guarding. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning.

Twelve hours from now, (3:00PM) I will walk into Dr. Staebel's office. Today is the day that I will win this battle. Today, I will choose to look ahead and not behind me. I am choosing to go over and not under. I will do all that I can to relax. I will pray. I will stretch. If the pain gets tuff, I will choose to take the appropriate medication and be okay with it. I choose hope instead of defeat.