Butterflies

Hannah Beth whined, "Why can't you take me to Target? You went to Sprouts!"  She did not understand that I physically could not go to Target BECAUSE I went to Sprouts earlier in the day. 

"Lord, please help me teach her why I can't do simple things that Mommies are supposed to do.  Could you impart understanding to her?"

ELEFUN!  The Lord reminded me of the butterflies in Hannah Beth's Elefun game.  The picture on the box said it all.  The butterflies were all flying out of the elephant's nose.  That's what I felt like.  I felt like somebody or something was pulling my energy right out of me!  I slid the boxed game off the shelf praying, "Lord, I have no idea what to say, but Peter sure was given words when he needed them.  Could you do the same for me?"

Hannah Beth and I sat down at the dinner table.  I poured the butterflies onto the table.   Of course, some of them fluttered down to the ground.  My heart dropped.  That's the story of my life right now.  Before I was diagnosed, I floated and fluttered through life.  I took my physical abilities for granted.  A memory of me doing the 'white man's overbight' dance on Friday mornings for my fifth graders flashed through my mind.  I wanted to do the white man's overbite whenever I wanted without fear of writhing in pain and being lethargic later. 

'Suck it up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!  You've got to explain things to Hannah Beth without breaking down.  Be thankful that you are alive in the first place.  FOCUS!  Oh, Father, HELP ME!  I need the strength to get through these next few moments with my precious daughter.'  My self-talk and prayers carried me through the next few moments.

"Hannah Beth, you have a strong, healthy body.  When you wake up in the morning and make your bed, your body uses energy.  Take some butterflies away from your body (the pile of butterflies)."

She took five butterflies.  I allowed her to put them back since her body was healthy and knew how create more energy.  We walked through her morning, taking five butterflies for each thing she did in the morning, then bringing them back to the pile each time...five butterflies for getting dressed, five butterflies for getting into the truck.  TEN butterflies for walking into school (because it makes you so happy to see your school family), five  butterflies for choosing and eating your breakfast, five butterflies for reading in the hallway.

Once she understood the pattern, she started popping in wonderful things she does throughout the day.  Some things were hard, like writing her full name.  Others were fun, like seeing Coach Gavit and Mrs. Johnson!  She politely inquired, "Mommy, why are we doing this?"

I reminded her that she was upset with me because I would not take her to Target.  We switched gears and started going through how my body reacts to normal daily routines.  She took five butterflies out for getting up and showering.  When she tried to return them to the pile, I had to remind her that my body doesn't work like hers anymore.  She encouraged me, "Oh, that's okay, Mommy!  I can help you!" 

We took ten butterflies from the stockpile for LIGHT and VERY MODIFIED yoga.  Five butterflies were taken for getting Aiden dressed.  Another five were stolen in order to help her get dressed.  Oh, but wait!  Hannah Beth usually fusses over her clothes, which takes at least five to ten MORE butterflies away.  We ran out of butterflies and I had only been awake for an hour!  She encouraged me once more, "Don't worry, Mommy!  We can just pray for Jesus to give  you more." 

It was tough to explain that Jesus sometimes allows us to walk through hard times, so we can learn, and grow.  Then we can encourage and teach others.  This was one of those hard times.  I explained that the steroids give me the energy I need, but I can only take what the doctors tell me.  It is very important to not take too much, or I can get sick.  The same will happen if I forget to take some. 

She was sad, but she understood.  She seems to be more empathetic towards me, instead of just plain angry that I won't do something for her. 

I don't understand why she has to carry some of this burden.  I didn't want to explain this to her.  I hope I haven't scarred her for life by divulging too much information about my illness to her.  At least I didn't tell her, 'you literally make me sick when you throw a fit.'

Oh, it is these times that I need help!  I have to cry out to Jesus!  There really is no other alternative for mothers who find themselves in these precarious positions. 

Our family is using "butterflies" as our code word for my fatigue.  Even Aiden asks, "Mommy do you still have enough butterflies to play cars with me?"  These two gifts from God keep me going!  I'm so thankful to be alive to play with them.  Sometimes it's hard to live with less butterflies than others.  Someday, mine will return and I'll dance the White Man's Overbite any day at any time!