Sand Dollars and Rainbows

The anticipation of salty air when I approach a beach equals the belly laughter of a child to me.  I can taste it.  Like apple pie is to many Americans, the beach offers me a comfort and happiness that comes from home.  It is the one place I can enjoy the true beauty of God's creation, count my blessings, release my anger, conquer my anxieties and endure heartbreak.  It is one place I NEVER have trouble finding hope.

I was given the opportunity to live in Pismo Beach, California for the first 6 months of 2001.  It was a time of complete chaos, pain, and daily torment for me...BUT I lived in a condo just two blocks from the beach.  The sound of the waves would lull me to sleep and gently wake me in the morning.  The salty air saturated every part of me. 

Each day ran I through the damp sand.  With every stride, I tested God: 

"If you are really here, if you really exist, I need a sign.  If I find a whole sand dollar without blemish, then I know you are who you say you are.  I know that your promises are true.  I know you will deliver me from this evil man that torments me daily." 

Every single day, I would drop my son (my only reason for living) off for school during the week.  I would wake up before my husband and son (who I loved with every fiber of my being) on the weekends in search for that damn sand dollar.  In light of my circumstances, I KNEW He would let me down.  I KNEW this faith in Christ Jesus had to be a fluke, because He couldn't possibly allow the nightmare that I was living to continue. I KNEW it was inevitable that I would live in shame and torment for the rest of my life until I was killed by the hands of the man I loved.

That damn sand dollar appeared during that 2 1/2 mile stretch of beauty every single frickin' day!  Still, I tested this God who said He was Love.  So, I ran faster.  A sand dollar would show up. I stopped looking down while running.  A sand dollar would appear as I was catching my breath.  I allowed my bare feet to go deeper and deeper into the water as I ran.  That damn sand dollar still showed up under 6 inches of water.  I must have met the entire extended family, friends and their sand dollar dogs of that first stupid sand dollar!

I was afraid to bring them home.  I didn't want to let on that a hope was rising within me.  My body was getting stronger and so was I.  My fear diminished.  Slowly the fighter in me was created.   I had hope and I put my trust back into the Hands of God. 

In June, He did in fact deliver me.  I lost the my son, who I believe kept me alive.  I gained a renewed relationship with the Lord that would give me an unwavering strength to live.  I slowly began to understand that it was Jesus who kept me alive.  He used the intercession of my friends and family and the love of my son to do it.  He orchestrated the perfect way for me to be removed from this shameful life that I was trapped in. 

To be continued...