I WISH

It's been so long since I've gone to church. I want so badly to be able to be a normal person that can be in crowds and not fear catching an infection of some sort.

I've been throwing up of 4 days now. I've been sleeping for 4 days now. I am just not happy right now. I don't have to understand, I just want to make it through it. I am really at the end of my rope on being able to walk through this. Thank God for my parents and friends who keep encouraging me. Giving up is not an option, but when you get to this point it is sooooo hard to hold on. I'm just hanging on Jesus' robe by my short fingernails right now.

I miss my kids. I miss being able to eat a real meal without treppidation of getting sick. I miss holding my children. I miss hanging out with my brothers and sisters. I miss just being a normal human being. I miss being a size 10. I miss having eyelashes. I miss being able to mow the lawn and wash the cars. I won't say what I want to say next, because it would be very hurtful! I hate living in a dirty house. I wish I could clean the tub without throwing up in it while I'm doing it.

Do people really understand what cancer does to a person? As soon as I think I have endured it all, another thing just wells up. Thank God, Mom keeps my head focused on the present. When I look into the future....oh....I can't even imagine if I can get the strength for a surgery that will leave me with tubes hanging out of my body like some matrix character. UGH.

I wish I could have written this without throwing up....AGAIN>